I started writing a few times, even published it, and then reverted it back into draft again. I thought the things that I wrote were too personal and emotional. There are so many things I want to write, but again, they are so personal and I cannot write them here.

For many people, this time of Corona is too difficult and painful. People are sinking into abysses of hopelessness and dark moods. Mostly older people, but also young ones. I'm not sure why, but I think it happens to people who have not built an inner pillar, an inner realm, an inner world, during the years. I remember times in my distant past that I felt like this - but it was because I didn't have enough inner resources to support myself mentally, emotionally, psychologically. Gladly, Thank G-d, Baruch HaShem, I can say that I have a very solid, stable inner world, and it is that world that sustains and supports me in such times. From the time that hardships started hitting the shores of my life, when I was a little girl of 9 years or less, I've been busy trying to find out how I can live and survive in this harsh, cruel world, and to do that - I wasn't only looking out for help (I soon learned that outside help is unreliable and often does more harm than good), I was feverishly looking inside myself and upwards to G-d for help. It wasn't easy. I had no guidance in doing this and I didn't know anyone else who was doing this. For years I was walking in this world with a big knot inside my stomach, an unfathomable lump of pain, fear, shame. The world seemed so dark, threatening and so hopeless. It took years of relentless inner work on myself to pinpoint exactly what I was feeling and why, to broaden my awareness and my consciousness, to heighten my spirituality, in order to start living. I've been living without this emotional lump in my stomach for many years now, and it has helped me survive more than what many people have to endure. So now, in the days of Corona, I do not feel any particular hardship. I lock myself at home as much as I can - not because I'm afraid to get infected with the virus. If I get it - I'll have a flue and recover. I do it because I do not want to be a contaminating agent, making other people get the virus, and then who knows, G-d forbid, someone may lose their life down the line. It used to be hard for me to stay home all day, but now in the times of Corona, when there is no other choice, I find myself staying at home without leaving the apartment for 4-5 days in a row each time, going out only to throw the garbage or to buy food and my mood is stable and healthy. I'm not the kind of person who gets lonely or bored. Give me a few good books, good food and good music - and you can send me for a year or two to an isolated cabin in the woods somewhere in the other side of the world, and I'll be happy. I have my thoughts, my dreams, my spiritual insights, my relationship to G-d, and this is all I need to survive. And I think that I'm doing better than most people I know. Whenever I talk with friends, I hear them in despair. It is so different than how I feel. I feel a bit uncomfortable to say that I'm doing great, actually.
Don't get me wrong - the death of precious people is painful. I will always remember the name of the first person who died of Corona in Israel, a holocaust survivor. For a day after he died I was mourning, I was so sad, I thought that we will manage to go through this without dead people. But I got over it, and now, unfortunately we have around 200 dead people. It is sad, but - people would have died without the Corona in car accidents anyway, so at least those deaths are spared from us.
So, I'm enjoying quiet, peaceful days in my little "cabin", enjoying the beauty all around, the sun, the trees, the chirping of the birds, some music, some books, some food, some thoughts and insights. And I'm busy at work, from home. So no complaints. But from all of this I realize that through all the suffering I had to endure in my life, at least something good emerged - I have built an inner realm, which is rich, strong, stable and enjoyable, and I enjoy being me, I enjoy being, just being.

I do get nostalgic quite often, finding myself awashed with feelings, emotions and longings - but I do not fight it. I let it flow and wash over me, clinging to precious, precious memories that will never fade and that will always sustain me. I experience it, I let my emotions hit me, and when this wave of nostalgia subsides, I move on to doing my things, to studying, working, being in touch with myself, and with other people. A quote attributed to a famous rabbi, the Ba'al Shem Tov, is: "Wherever your thoughts are - there you are". It is so true.