Kislev and guilt

So today is the beginning of a new month, the month of Kislev. It is a month during which we expect rain, it is a month in which we expect more light. The festival of Hannukah takes place in Kislev.

Now, just as I'm writing these lines, rain has started falling. It makes me happy. Rain feels like home to me. There is nothing better in the world than to be sitting at home, with a cup of hot tea in the hand, a book (or a computer to write on) in hand, and the sounds and sights of rain falling all around. I thank Hashem for the rain. We've been praying for it. We don't want the rain to fall on our soldiers in the south, only where they are not situated, but I think it falls also in the "Gaza envelope". 

I've realized that for the past month or so, since Oct. 7th, since Simchat Torah, my body tells me that I'm affected by the situation more than my mind would confess. Innocent objects that I see on the street make my heart miss a beat and when I think of this physical reaction, I realize it is because these objects remind me of things from that day. For example, seeing a young Haredi man riding an electric bicycle caused this reaction in me. A second later I realized that this image reminded me of the terrorists on motorcycles, taking civilians of all ages hostages into Gaza. A white tender gives me the same reaction, for the same reasons. Today I was riding home on the light rail, and saw a shade above a play ground. The shade reminded me of the tent that was in that crazy party near Kibbutz Re'im, and made my heart miss a beat. Many things like this still happen and I realize that the trauma is still there. My mind is already thinking forward, but my body reminds me that the trauma is still inside of me. Probably for a long time from now on as well. 

I feel guilty. Why was I spared. After all, it could have been anyone of us. Why am I alive when young children, babies and people in their early 20's are either dead, injured or kidnapped, G-d forbid. I feel guilty because I feel I don't do enough. I don't fight in the battle field, while young soldiers barely 20 years old lose their young lives there. I feel guilty because I don't do enough volunteering. I try. But whenever a message is posted that they need volunteers for this or for that, and I answer, they say they're already full. People are volunteering in masses, and there's no more need in more hands. I feel guilty because recently I started listening to music again. I didn't for a long while after the mass massacre. I couldn't. And now I suddenly find myself listening to music, while the dead bodies of those who were murdered slowly decay in their graves. I feel guilty because I feel anger at those brethren of mine, Jews, Israeli citizens like myself, who oppose a Jewish identity for my country and instead want it to be another nation like all other nations. I am furious at them at the same time that my heart is breaking for them. I pray for them. Am I doing enough? I want to live to be 120 and serve G-d. I hope it will happen. 

I feel guilty because I find a voice in me, who tells those who speak the language of "peace" (the kind of "peace" that means giving away our lands to another nation) - "now you see? now you realize the truth?". A lady, one of the activists of such organizations working for this kind of submissive "peace", was found dead today. Until now they thought she was captive in Gaza, but today they managed to identify her body, more than one month after her death by the hands of those to whom she wanted to give our sacred lands. I feel guilty for telling her in my heart, "Are these the people you wanted to give our lands to?". I want peace, more than anything else. I pray for peace. But peace should be for peace, not for giving away our G-d given land. 

And if you think that Gaza is not included in the area that G-d has given us, think again. This week's portion is that of Toldot. In it we read how Isaac goes down to the area of Gerar, where the Philistine king, Avimelech, lives. It is more or less the area near Gaza. G-d is revealed to Isaac and tells him: "גּוּר בָּאָרֶץ הַזֹּאת וְאֶהְיֶה עִמְּךָ וַאֲבָרְכֶךָּ כִּי לְךָ וּלְזַרְעֲךָ אֶתֵּן אֶת כָּל הָאֲרָצֹת הָאֵל וַהֲקִמֹתִי אֶת הַשְּׁבֻעָה אֲשֶׁר נִשְׁבַּעְתִּי לְאַבְרָהָם אָבִיךָ. In English: "Sojourn in this land, and I will be with you and will bless you, for to you and to your offspring I will give all these lands, and I will establish the oath that I swore to Abraham your father." (Genesis 26: 3). We are not entitled to give away any lands to other nations, and especially not to our enemies. 

I don't feel guilty for what the IDF is doing in Gaza now. It is clearing the northern part of the Gaza strip. It allows a humanitarian corridor and pleads civilians to pass through it and go to the south. Hamas makes it difficult for them to actually go south. I feel sorry for them, but the guilt is on Hamas. We have no other choice. We don't want another massacre. Plus, many of them support Hamas and celebrate their "success" in massacring Jews. They teach their children to hate, to want to be murderers. I feel sorry for these children, but the terrorists who performed the horrible massacre, who killed, wounded, raped, took hostages, were themselves kids just 20 years ago. We felt sorry for them back then, we tried to spare their lives when we fought in Gaza, and the cost is now the lives of our children, women, soldiers, and elderly people, those who constantly chant "peace, peace"... 

 I feel guilty for not thanking G-d enough for the beautiful land He has given us and for all the incredible miracles He has performed for us. I love Hashem more than anything in the world. He is my rock and my shelter, my best friend. He knows me much better than I know myself. 

I'll write more.