And yet another embrace

To follow up on my latest post here: I was going through some tough days, feeling like my heart was smashed to pieces because of what I perceived as my professional failure in something I knew I was good at. I told Hashem in my heart that I knew this was no coincidence and that I knew that this was His way of leading me away from that place somewhere else. I asked Him in my heart that if this was truly so, if all of this was just His way of trying to turn me away from a certain place and a certain side-occupation, then please may He right the wrongs, to make me feel better about this, and in return, I'll try to remember His message, His guidance, and turn away from there, even if everything turns right after all. And remarkably, everything did turn right, after all... another embrace from Hashem.

Shortly after my self-perceived "failure", and very shortly after my prayer, I received a surprise WhatsApp message from a colleague, asking me to do things in that side-occupation of mine, basically showing me a vote of confidence. I was shocked. I was sure I would never hear from her or from other colleagues again or ever be invited again to work for them, but I was wrong. It seems like all the big storm that has occurred, occurred only in my heart, not in anyone else's perception. I expect a lot of myself, and I wrongly believe that others measure me up to the same yardstick, but this is not so. Later, I received another invitation from another colleague, to come and work and do things for them, which again shocked me. It seems all the 'failure' business I was experiencing in my mind left no impression on them whatsoever. Perhaps I was the only one experiencing this as failure. It was a huge, huge relief to know that I didn't fail in their eyes. I did in mine, and I'll learn from this for sure, but objectively, these people did not see it as a failure at all. 

Yet, even though all the wrongs were right now, I remembered my prayer to Hashem and how I asked Him that if He rights the wrongs, I'll listen to His message anyway and turn away from there (I had been thinking of turning it from a side occupation to a main occupation, or one of my main occupations - but then that occurrence happened which made me feel like I failed and I decided I wouldn't go for it as a main. Perhaps not even as a side-job). After the huge relief I experienced, I told Hashem that I understand the message anyway, I wouldn't go there as a main job, even though everything was OK now and I basically could do it. 

I perceive this whole episode as guidance from Hashem, in a critical moment in which I was going to commit myself (or try to commit myself) to a certain professional direction that is really off my road. Hashem stepped in and told me, in His special ways, not to do it. Even though everything is Ok, even though I can do it, I wouldn't. At the most, I'll keep it as a side-occupation, but I think not even that. In many ways it is going back, and I want to go forward. 

What else can I tell you? I'm constantly minded of where Hashem wants me. He gives me a body, a mind, a heart, He gives me ideas - and He expects me to utilize my time here, the time He graciously gives me on this earth, to serve Him. I try to do it, and recently I stepped up my game. I don't know if there are fruits to my efforts, but this is not really my business. My job is to do. Not to assess what cannot be assessed. 

The Mishnah in Pirkei Avot 2, 15-16 says: "Rabbi Tarfon said: the day is short, and the work is plentiful, and the laborers are indolent, and the reward is great, and the master of the house is insistent. It is not your duty to finish the work, but neither are you at liberty to neglect it". That is, life is short, there is so much we want to do, have to do, so much G-d expects us to do, but we may fall into despair, because we can never accomplish everything that we want to do. The work is great and the day (i.e., life) is short, but this is not a cause for despair. 

I love Pirkei Avot. So much wisdom there. 

I will soon go to my yearly round around road 293 in the Negev. Visit my childhood village and the resting place of the man who brough me to this world. I want to learn Mishnah Avot for the elevation of his soul. And in my mind the song plays, "Country road, take me home to the place I belong..."

If you like this blog, I'll try to write more often. I only hope this is not a robot but a real person. How would I ever know... I can only hope.