Choices

Unlike animals, human beings can choose, consciously choose, and at the end of the day, we are the sum of our choices. Each of us has a dark side and the potential to do harm. This is not a bad thing. This is for our best. Since we are capable of behaving wrong and harming others - if we choose not to do that, it is to our merit. The more we choose to do good, the better people we are, and the existence of our dark side doesn't make us bad people. It makes us excellent people if we choose to do good even though we have evil inclinations.

One more idea, taken from the Torah: If we choose to do bad, the first time it may seem like a bid deal to us and we would be ashamed or disgusted of ourselves. But the next time we want to do this specific sin, it would already be easier to do so, we would have less pangs of conscience. And the next time - even less pangs of conscience. This means that our choices actually SHAPE us. Each choice we make, modifies us, affects us, changes who we are, how we see the world and how we act in it. A person who does good acts, would also find it more attractive to do more good acts. Each good choice we make shapes our identity, shapes what we think of ourselves, and this perception then affects our next choices.

Of course, a person can do true repentance and return to G-d with their whole heart, but it gets harder and harder the more steeped you are in evil. This is why, in Judaism, if a sinner repents with all their heart, they are on a higher status than someone who has always been righteous. Why? Because their journey back to G-d was much harder, improbable and arduous. They had to walk huge mental and spiritual distances, against their own nature (and what has become of their nature due to wrong choices) to return to G-d. If they managed to do this journey back, it means that they truly wanted to repent, and it places them higher than most other people. This way, even their past sins work in their favor. And as the prophet said - if your sins will be as red as scarlet, they will turn as white as snow.  

In sum, all of us have the potential to do good and to to bad. Having evil inclinations does not make us bad people. All people have such inclinations. What decides who we are is not our bad potential, but what we do with it. Our choices shape us, and we have to choose carefully. If we choose wrong, it strengthens our evil inclination. If we do good, it strengthens are good inclination. Let us choose wisely. 

Shavua tov.

Just a bad dream?

When I was a student on Mt. Scopus, I remember that one day I went to bed in the dorms and had a dream. A very bad dream. In the dream, the Arab population living in Israel was rising against us. They were attacking us mercilessly and they became stronger than us. They were throwing stones and rocks at us and killing us with every means they had. In the scene I was viewing, I was hiding behind a public trash can on the seam between Mt. Scopus and the French Hill, and saw destruction all around, and I knew that I was one of the last few in my country to survive. I remember thinking to myself with alarm: "They are killing all of us". 

It was such a REAL dream, and in my heart it felt as if this was not just a bad dream. It felt more like a projection of the future. In the years that have passed since, I recalled this dream from time to time and noted to myself that it hasn't yet came true and that it was probably just a bad dream. But now - now I feel like the situation is getting so bad, that it feels like the beginning of the nightmare that my dream depicted. 

There is a heavy feeling in my heart. In the past month or so, 18 people were murdered by Muslims in Israel. The last 3 were murdered with axes, one of them in front of his 6 year old boy... how cruel can human beings be. This is just so horrible. Every day there is another attack, sometimes they succeed in killing and sometimes they fail, but we are under constant attack, and I don't think that the world is aware of this. It is so sad. 

Omicron

 After three vaccines, the third one only three months ago - I finally got the Corona virus, the Omicron variant. It was a shock. I felt like I had a cold - but just to protect people around me wherever I go, I did the test, expecting it to be negative, thinking it was only a cold. However, it wasn't just a cold. FYI, the first symptoms are voice related - the voice starts to sound strange, heavier, coarser. Then the throat starts to be sore, then you feel cold and weak, and when you're already in bed for a few days - headaches appear. It takes longer than a regular cold to go away. I still have it and it's been 8 days already. 

When I went to do the test - I didn't want to go by public transportation, because then I would infect everyone on the bus. I didn't want to take a taxi either, because if I am positive to the virus, the driver would have to lose days of work and stay in quarantine after that, because of me. My only other option was to walk. The nearest testing station is one hour away from here by foot. So I walked one hour until I got there. I was weak and I was walking relatively slowly, going through some Arab neighborhoods on the way. It amuses me how they are always surprised to see a Jewish person on their streets. I'm probably one of the few who walk there. 

After I did the test, I then waited for 45 or so minutes there, to find out whether I was positive or negative. They send you the answer as an SMS message on your phone, but because I didn't want to walk back for another hour if I didn't have to, I wanted to first get the results - If I were negative, I would take the light-rail or the bus back, or even a taxi. If I were positive - then I'll have to walk back the whole way again. And this is exactly what  happened. After 45 minutes or so of waiting, I got a text message on my phone - the results of the test were that I am positive to the Corona virus... It changed all of my plans for the next 10 days, because now I was obligated by law to stay in quarantine... And so, weaker than before, I started walking the one hour back home, knowing that I won't see the outside for at least 10 days... (now they changed it to 7, but they may change it back). 

A day or so later I got a message from the police on my phone. They sent me a link and asked for my permission to monitor my geographical location, to make sure I'm in quarantine and don't go out and about. Otherwise, they said, they will have to patrol the area where I live to make sure I'm staying indoors. Funny, because if they did that to me, they would have to patrol 25% of the population of Israel that is now infected with the virus, despite 3 vaccines... I OK'ed their request, and now they are monitoring my whereabouts. I feel important... 

I'm too weak to write, and when my hands are out of the blanket, it makes me colder. Every little thing is an effort, so I'll stop here. 

Just wanted to share this. 

Stay well...!

From a Jew to a Jew

 A Jewish colleague of mine in another country wrote to me some work-related letter, and then added some things about life, the Torah portion and more. A discussion followed, and each of us contributed something to it. Then, I wrote something about Deuteronomy 4:6. That colleague asked questions about the wisdom referred to in this verse and how each of us can manifest it. And this was my reply (unedited) - I think it can be worthwhile to post it here as well:

You are asking about the wisdom referred to in Deut. 4:6, it's meaning and the purpose of our being designated as a chosen nation. The way I view it, these two things go hand in hand. Every nation and every single individual on this planet have a purpose and are here to serve - serve others, serve humanity. We were chosen for a specific purpose - and that is to bring the light of faith in G'd to the world. Nothing else. Other nations surpass us in almost everything - but this gift, the gift of faith in the one G'd, is our mission here and for that we were chosen, and for that we have suffered terribly throughout history (and we keep suffering as we speak, as antisemitism in on the rise again). The verse in Deut. 4:6 refers not to our intellectual capabilities but to the laws and statutes that we observe (Deut. 4:5). That is, it refers to a wisdom much higher and much greater than our own - to that of G-d's. This wisdom is seen through us when we follow these laws, and through the observance of these laws we have benefited and dramatically changed the life for almost all of humanity. Here are some examples:

1. Monotheism: The very exile that started our bitter suffering around the world has also benefitted the world greatly. When you come to think about it - every region to which Jews were exiled, became monotheistic, while world regions to which we were not exiled - remained pagan. It's an interesting insight - think of Northern Africa, the Middle East, Europe - these were the territories to which we were exiled, and see what happened there: in a matter of very few centuries, these regions have discarded their idol-worship and adopted or developed a monotheistic religion. They pray to G'd (the same G'd who gave us the Torah) and they talk about His laws. Christians read the Hebrew Bible and study it. If you read the Quran (I have read a few Surahs) you'd find out that a lot of it talks about "the People of the Book", that's us, and our relationship to the land of Israel, and most astonishing of all - the laws of the Quran are an adaptation of our own. I know some Muslims here - they live a modified version of the laws of the Torah. None of this would have come about without the influence of our observing the laws of the Torah among their midst. Some people may say that this is not necessarily a positive influence, citing the terrible terror attacks or wars happening in the name of Islam or Christianity. The answer to that is that wars have happened with or without religion. At least with religion, some people are trying to find truth and better ways of being and the world is a work in progress, it is still evolving. Now look, for comparison, at regions to which we were not exiled in significant numbers, such as in central or west Africa, China, Japan, Papua New Guinea and other remote regions - these nations have remained in their paganism until recently and some are still pagan. If you go to Japan or Hong Kong, you will see very intelligent, successful, normative people bowing down to statues and looking for their salvation from them. Yes, Christianity is very slowly developing there, but in relatively small numbers (South Korea is the most Christian country in the Far East, but it is relatively recent and Christians are only 30% of the population). 

2. Shabbat: Our ordained day of rest has been an immense blessing for humanity. Before Judaism, most parts of the world did not have the concept of a day of rest. They just worked and worked until they died. Until this very day there is a disease, unique to Japan as far as I know, called Kuroshi - death of hard work. It's not like they build pyramids, but many of them work at offices, and to gain favor with their superiors they do it also on weekends, until some of them just die. The concept of a week with one day of rest is now prevalent throughout the world and has literally taken people out of bondage, and it wouldn't have been so if we hadn't kept this commandment. 

3. Kashrut, rites, holidays: A few years ago I visited friends in Scandinavia and gave some non-formal talks about Judaism and Israel in front of Christian congregants in my friends' homes. Of course, they were serving food and refreshments, most of which I couldn't eat because I keep Kosher. Needless to say, I felt highly uncomfortable and I had to explain again and again to everyone who asked me why I do not eat this or that. A year later, I got an email from a friend of mine, asking if I remember a certain lady who was present in one of these meetings. I did. I think she was recovering from an illness. My friend said that this lady was coming to Israel with her two boys and would like to meet me. That was a huge surprise. So I met her here in Israel. And she told me that when she saw me observing the laws, when she saw how I was eating ("like Daniel from the Book of Daniel"), it made her realize that "while Christians need Jesus, Jews do not, because G'd has another plan for the Jews". This has made her want to bring her adolescent sons here to Israel and learn about all this more closely. I gave her boys a tour in Jerusalem, which I hope will remain with them. Similarly, a couple of non-Jewish friends came to me once for a holiday meal. A few days later, they told me that they discussed this and realized that it was the laws and commandments that we keep (same laws referred to in Deut. 4: 5-6) that served as a mechanism to keep us as one nation. So keeping the laws - again - reminds everyone around us, Jews and non-Jews alike, that there is G'd and that He is the giver of the Torah, because the laws that we keep are so filled with divine wisdom, they cannot be simply man-made. The effect of us keeping them has transformed humanity. 

4. Judicial influence: It is not a coincidence that of all possible things, it is our Ten Commandments that are placed at the entrance to the US Supreme Court. All developed countries have designed their judicial systems based on laws derived from the Hebrew Bible (the term 'Old Testament' is misleading and therefore I try not to use it). Think of Japan, again - before the constitution was written to them at the end of WWII by the US (with many Jewish lawyers in the team that drafted it) - there were totally different laws governing social life and social justice in Japan. If a person from a lower place in the social hierarchy didn't bow down deep enough to a Samurai who was passing by, he could have had his head cut off and that would have been justified by all. These things have changed, and this too is an influence of Torah values. 

5. Serving as a witness to the existence of G'd: Jewish history has been full of miracles. The fact that we have survived for almost two millennia without a land of our own, without a country of our own, without one Jewish population center - as we were scattered all over the place - without a common language (Hebrew was used mostly for liturgical purposes, as we know) and while a sword was often drawn against us - is a much greater miracle than the splitting of Yam Suf. This mere survival is incredible and unparalleled in human history. Add to this the fact that after two such millennia we have suddenly started returning to our promised land, the land of our forefathers, and we not only survive here, amidst a sea of hostility on all borders and within our country - we thrive and prosper, so much so that people from many countries come here to learn and decipher the secret of our success. Where else in history has anything like that happened? Where could anything like that happen? The fact that all of this was written a few millennia ago and recorded for eternity in the Hebrew Bible in the form of prophecies, and there are so many of them that say the same things in different words by different prophets - this serves as a witness, a testament and a reminder for all of humanity that G'd exists, that G'd is one and that He is the giver of the moral code recorded in the Torah. 

That's it - without trying to proselytize, without trying to do anything else - just by being us and observing the laws we were given - we serve the purpose to which we were chosen which is to be witnesses to the fact that there is G'd, and the nations slowly and gradually realize the divine wisdom in this all and are deeply affected by this. The price we had to pay for this mission is dear, but antisemitism has been used as another mechanism to keep us cognizant of our unique identity - yet this is a topic for another conversation :) 

You are absolutely right about life in Israel - there is no better place for a Jew than here. Even when we, Israelis, go abroad to travel, to study, to work for any number of years, we do not feel like Jews in the diaspora do. We feel as Israelis (translation: proud sovereign Jews in their homeland). Living here or making Aliyah to live here, we participate in the building of our own country, we participate in the defense of this country, we live, work and study in our ancient mother tongue, we develop our own unique culture rather than imitating the culture of our hosting nations. All of us contribute to the success and prosperity of our country. Even the Hareidis that are often blamed for not serving in the army or not contributing much to the economy, etc. - even they have an immense contribution to our society: they keep the Talmud alive when they study it in depths in their Yeshivas, and - the biggest, most amazing Chesed organizations are initiated and run by them, such as Yad Sarah, Ezer Mi'Tzion, Zaka and numerous, numerous others. These charity organizations serve and benefit all segments of Israeli society (all - that means also secular Jews and non-Jewish people, including Arabs, and even in times when the political situation is tense). Israel is a miracle in itself. 

At the Hebrew U.

I'm so happy to be working and studying (all independently) today at the beloved campus of the Hebrew U. I have warm feelings about this campus, it feels like home to me, even though  it's been many years since I studied here. Of all the places in Jerusalem where I can work and study, this is my favorite by far. It is such a beautiful, special place. The air is filled with something so special, and I'm longing to be here when I'm not here. Part of the reason why I am happy that I moved from my previous neighborhood is that now this campus is a walking distance from where I live and I can come here often. I don't do it often, but when I do, it is always like coming home. I like the library a lot. I try not to sit when I work, because it is not healthy to sit all day, so I find myself a quiet corner between the shelves, a shelf with no books on, I place my books and PC there, and I work standing up. I feel much better doing it this way than sitting all day. When you sit all day you feel sluggish and tired, and your body becomes weak. I'm glad I found this corner with no books. It's perfect for my needs. 

The place that I like most about this campus, except for the library, is the synagogue, with the stunning views of the old city, with the special, relaxing, spiritual atmosphere. Oh, I sometimes want to sit there for hours, just breathe, just be, pray, meditate. Today I was there - I was all alone there, which was surprising, but perhaps it is because this is the summer vacation and most students and professors are not even here. So I took advantage of the situation and went to pray in front of the big window overlooking the Old City. It was great, really. Then, when I wanted to leave, I found out that the door is locked. Someone locked me in... I didn't panic. I found an open window, and walked out through it. I walked a bit on the roof and then found another open window. I walked in through it and found myself inside the building, but out of the synagogue - which means I managed to go out without any problem. 

When I was there, I also climbed up to the women's section and found some reading materials. I read them randomly, and there were precise messages for me. Exactly the things I needed to hear. Baruch Hashem. 

A new (?) name

 A couple of years ago I added the letter H to my family name, as the last letter in the name. I feel that this is the more precise way to write it in English in terms of rules of transliteration, and I like it better this way, because this letter is very airy and spiritual, and when I think of it, it has a pure, white image. I like that it is at the end of my name. Many years ago, when I wanted to open a Gmail account, my name as I used to write it back then was already taken, so I added h, reluctantly. I was upset, I regretted not opening an account sooner, before someone else had the chance to take "my" name as her address. It bothered me to have the h at the end, because I didn't write my name this way back then, but now I'm so happy it happened this way - now I have an address that reflects my name exactly as I want it to be, exactly as I use it professionally - with the letter H, which is also part of the holy name. 

Here is an example of something that I thought was bad - that someone else already took my "name" in Gmail - and it all happened for the best: I got the better address as a result of that. 

Shabbat shalom and Chodesh Tov!

A thought

I don't know what made me realize it. Perhaps meeting people who need prosthetic body parts to function. I then realized how every little piece of our body is something that cannot be measured in value. No amount of money could give a person a human leg like we are born with. No amount of money in the whole world could give anyone a human hand like we are born with. Or a human eye. Or a human ear. Or a human brain. Every little piece in our body is priceless, precious beyond any measure. 

And then the next thought comes to mind - if Hashem gives me such an incredible machine, that all the money in the world cannot buy, and He gives it to me for free... what does He want me to do with it? He didn't give it to me for nothing or just to enjoy my life going here and there. He didn't give it to me just to travel, eat, drink. What did he want me to do with this body, with this life? Why did He send me here, to this troubled world, with a body that is very sophisticated and so priceless? 

I'm not sure I have a new answer to this question. I've always thought that I have to use my time here to do acts of kindness. But is it enough? Is it all He wants of me? I sometimes feel like He is trying to push me to do some things for my own good as well. This week I finally listened. I took myself to the Netanya beach and swam in the sea after more than ten years (!!) that I haven't done so. I do not have a swimming suit. I took my PC and worked in a coffee shop on the beach, and then, when the sun was less crazy, I walked by the water and felt such a huge desire to jump in the water. But how could I do this... and then I saw a middle-aged man, dressed nicely in office clothes (buttoned shirt, nice trousers, etc.) - and he just walked into the water, with his beautiful long clothes, and was so happy, laughing out loud, etc. I felt like Hashem was using him to show me what to do. I find nice people to watch over my things, and tried it for the first time - walk into the water with a long skirt and a long sleeved shirt... I wasn't sure how it was going to work, but... it worked amazingly well. I realized I could do it any time I want, dressed up modestly as I am. I was floating in the water, like I like to do and haven't done forever. I felt the water was purifying me and I was being cleansed off years and years with all the redundant charge I accumulated in them. It was superb. I didn't care about later - how will my clothes dry, how will I sit in a bus with wet clothes, etc. I just felt Hashem was giving me the green light to do it, and I did. 

When I finally went out of the water and sat down dripping on a beach-chair, I was shocked to find out just how quickly my clothes stopped dripping and became only lightly moist. It was incredible. I want to do it every week now - go to the beach, swim as I am, dressed up and everything, and just enjoy this part of life as well. 

Last night I had an interesting dream. I was with a little girl and we saw a HUGE moon just next to us, bobbing up and down, disappearing and reappearing, always looking white, almost like it was made of white plastic, with many blue lakes dispersed all over it. We were shocked and astonished. Then, when I woke up, a friend sent me a "Happy new month!" greeting, and I realized that a new month (a new moon) is about to start this Shabbat. I'm sure the dream is somehow related to it, even though the thought has not occurred to me in the dream or in waking, until that message came from her. But what does the dream try to tell me about the coming month? That it is going to be so special, so big, so astonishing? I wait with anticipation to see if anything good is going to happen this month. 

 

change

 I'm having a cold, so it's a good opportunity to stop, and write a little. 

As you probably know we've had some dramatic days recently - missiles thrown at us from Gaza, attempts at pogroms by Israeli Arabs who live with us in cities that knew good coexistence so far. In the nearby neighborhood to where I live, sidewalk stones were broken by such mobs, and people were careful not to go out when it was not necessary. And - just as it started, so it ended. Suddenly. I remember the first missile siren that I heard - it came at the end of an online work meeting, and at first I didn't recognize it as siren. I thought it was probably the sound of a very strong wind, or perhaps a very strong motorcycle motor. But after a few moments, it dawned on me that this is a missile alarm. I ran to fetch my neighbors and we tried to find a place to hide. But we found none. We were faced with the reality that our neighborhood does not have shelters, and the only place to hide is in the first floor of the building, where the landlords live, and if they're not at home, we  have to find some other hiding place. 

However, I remembered that a few years ago, when I was living in my previous neighborhood, I didn't care at all about the sirens. I went, with many others, to synagogue as the sirens were shouting, and we were very calm, not afraid at all to do that. This time I also felt this way, but I was worried about my neighbors, who are older and new to the country. 

Another dramatic thing that happened - is that the corona limitations were lifted. 85% of Israelis are vaccinated, and there is no longer a need to wear masks, no one asks you anymore if you have the "green passport" before you enter places. It is all back to how it was before, and this is incredible. I am very grateful for that. Really, it is a big miracle, and Hashem chose us to be among the first to be at that point. 

Still, the prime minister who was G-d's messenger in doing this, in bringing about this incredible change, was not crowned prime minister this time around. Instead, someone with 5 times less votes became the prime minister, and he did that by joining forces with people from the left, people who oppose Judaism, people he had promised that he would never joining forces with. It was a shock. We prayed so hard, but it didn't help. It's not like I think Netanyahu can be the only prime minister. There are other talented people who can do a good job, but it is obvious that G-d is behind him, for whatever reason, and used him in so many ways to bring good to Israel. And the unfairness of having him be defeated after doing so much, and be defeated by a cynic such as Bennett, is very sad. When the new government was sworn, I was with a few dozens of other people outside of his formal residence, and we said thank you, for all you did for us, and waved our flags. I'm so glad Hashem helped me be part of this thank you 'party'. It was important. 

Then there was the flag parade in Jerusalem. Hamas threatened to fire missiles again if we go there. But we went. I went. I took my flag with me, and we were walking with our flags near the Old City. A friend whom I haven't seen since the start of the Corona spotted me amidst the multitudes, the thousands of people who were there, and came hugging me. It was nice to meet like that. We then went to the Kotel (the Western Wall) and finished the evening in a coffee shop, drinking a hot drink. Hamas didn't fire missiles, 'only' fire-balloons, and gladly, the new prime minister ordered to retaliate firmly, which was a good decision.

I've had so many things I thought I wanted to write about, but now, with this cold, I can't think of much. I really think Netanyahu, while far from being perfect, was a good prime minister. I hope he returns soon. 

I'll try to write here again, perhaps about things that are more related to me, but it's hard for me to talk or write about myself, and in truth, there is not much to write, so it's easy to just talk about the Israeli, Jewish aspects of my life. 

Shabbat Shalom!

Liebestraum

I should have written this three or so weeks ago, when it happened, but had to let it soak-in, be absorbed by every capillary of my soul. I was with these impressions for a whole day, and then later as well, until today I realized I stopped thinking about it, and so perhaps it is time I can share it. 

It was three or so weeks ago, on the early morning hours of April 19th. I was fast asleep, enjoying a good night sleep, and then I found myself in this very interesting state of consciousness in which you sleep, you dream, but you are also somewhat awake, and your rational mind is aware of what's going on. I'm not sure what time it was, probably around 5 or 6 am in the morning, maybe later, I'm not sure. In this state of mind, I was aware that I was in my bedroom, aware that I was lying face down in my bed. I suddenly felt a presence, or should I write a Presence near me, next to my bed. I couldn't open my eyes, but I sensed that it was in the image of a young person. It reminded me a lot of someone I knew many-many years ago. It had his energy, his essence, but I don't think it was him. This figure stood by my bed, in the area between my bed and the closet, very close to me. My first instinct was to be scared, as I couldn't move, couldn't open my eyes and couldn't do anything, yet "it" was there. But I then reminded myself that this is probably a special state of consciousness, half a dream, and that nothing wrong is going to happen to me. I calmed down and just allowed myself to experience whatever it was that was going to unfold. That figure, that "person", then lay down on my bed next to me, close to the wall this time. I couldn't see him, as my face was directed the other way, away from the wall, and anyway, my eyes were closed and wouldn't open. But I felt him. He then remained "him", but it wasn't a person with a body. It was just spirit, just energy, just soul. This bodyless being then embraced me. It did so without a body. Just the energy, warm, pure, loving energy, engulfed me in such a whole, comforting way. I know it was strange, but I really felt that this energy was G-d. It was embracing me without hands or arms, without a body, yet I could feel its light pressure on my back and shoulders and it was so gentle, loving and comforting. Like when a parent hugs a sleeping child and tucks the blankets around him. It tucked the blankets around me with His energy. It then stopped and lay on my side. Without words I communicated to Him that I'd like Him to do this again. So He did. And it was heavenly, and then He stopped again. So I asked again, and this is how it went for a while. It was the most divine feeling on earth. Then, as it embraced me for the last time, it was hovering above me and it breathed out a little "cloud" of breath near my face - pure, crystal clear, just a tiny bit sapphire-like bluish cloud of breath, of energy, which I then breathed deep into myself. I felt like I was breathing the breath of G-d. I breathed it in as much as I could. It was the most comforting feeling ever. Just pure love. I didn't want to wake up from this 'dream'. When I finally did wake up, I stayed in bed for as long as I could to just soak-in this feeling, this love, this warmth and kindness. I felt this energy, this breath, circulating within my body and I didn't want to stop it. I then had to get up to work and I was thirsty. Yet, I was afraid to drink or eat anything. I was afraid that if I put water or food or any other tangible, material thing into my body, this elated spiritual feeling would vanish and I didn't want to lose it. But when I did drink - I realized that this feeling stayed, that it did not disappear. I was happy to learn that. The entire day after that I felt this energy flowing within me, I felt like I was in the seventh heaven or something, it was such a peaceful, calm, happy feeling. I'm pretty sure that what I experienced was the love of G-d. And it was just supreme. I wish I could experience it every night. 

Today I was reminded of this - and comforted myself with the memory of this 'dream'. I then felt I could write it here. And I did. 

Misc.

So I finally did it. At first, it was obvious to me that I wasn't going to. Then, pressure from the environment started accumulating, which made me start thinking about it, researching it. And then some research findings started to come out which made me realize there is merit in doing this. I finally took the vaccine. 

I'm a naturalist person - not taking pills or drugs, trying to take care of my body and not needing Western medicine. Therefore, the idea of taking a vaccine was an anathema to me - I felt it was not what I wanted or needed to do. But then pressure from people started coming: "Are you not taking the vaccine? Don't do this to yourself! You should take care of yourself and be careful!", etc. These were not enough to convince me - at all. But I did ask G-d about it. And then the answers started coming in in ways that I could not deny. I realized G-d was telling me to do it. But I still hesitated and resisted. And then research findings started coming out - saying that if you take the vaccine, your chances of infecting other people goes down dramatically. And I felt that G-d kept sending me messengers and putting pressure on me to do it. I finally did - not without sadness - and mostly not for me, but for people who may be vulnerable to it. If I trust my immune system to fight the virus, but I infect other people, who will then infect other people, who will then suffer or even die, then I prefer to take the vaccine and prevent needless deaths down the line. 

After I took it, I heard on the news that if you take the vaccine, your chances of infecting others go down dramatically by 94%. That made me happy. 

When I took it, I felt so sad and dissatisfied. I felt I was betraying myself, betraying my body. When I got in, two Arab nurses received me. They were very nice and cordial. I gave them my arm, but then couldn't let them put the needle into my flesh. We tried a few times, and every time I instinctively withdrew my arm, like a little child. I was so embarrassed of my reaction. One of them held my hands softly. I laughed at myself and apologized. They said that it's OK, that with some other people it may take 30 minutes before they let them do it. It took me 'only' five... 

And then they did it, and gave me the vaccine. I felt OK after that, but a few hours later, I started feeling SO exhausted. I felt heavy and tired. It was Shabbat, so I could allow this to myself. I went to bed at 10 pm and slept for 12 straight hours! The strange feeling was still there after 36 hours or more. I must admit I felt violated. I felt I was forcing myself to do something I absolutely didn't want to do. But I think I did the right thing. This coming Friday I'm supposed to get the second vaccine. If this will save someone's life, then it's worth it.  

Last Friday I went to the supermarket in my neighborhood. One of the employees announced some special sales (bread, meat, etc.) for Shabbat. Then, I was surprised to hear - he was talking about the weekly Torah Portion! It was so cute! I don't think I've ever heard that before. I hope they keep doing it - while people were shopping, they were hearing words of Torah and wisdom. How amazing is that! And apropos of words of Torah - I just read the late Rabbi Jonathan Sacks' article about this week's Torah Portion, titled: "The Courage of Identity Crises" (Tzav, 5781) and I really recommend it. Try finding it online and reading it. I love his writings, his ideas, the patterns that he discovers in the Torah. He is an intellectual giant. He is so alive, even now when he is no longer with us. 

One more supermarket anecdote - the same supermarket. I was buying there, and then I heard a fight. Two shoppers were standing near the cashier - an Arab and a Jew. I'm not sure what they were arguing about, but then the Arab person told the Jewish person: "And you are Jewish!". He meant it to say that he expected something much better from a Jew. I was surprised. To hear that from an Arab person - that he has higher expectations from Jews... wow. That was something. 

Passover is just around the corner. I feel a fountain of prayers bursting out from within me, things that were blocked in me for so many years. I pray for things that I'm pretty sure will not happen - but just the freedom and the ability to pray from the bottom of my heart for something that I really want is liberating, regardless of what the outcome in reality will be. It brings me closer to G-d. And then I use my own personal struggle to pray for the people of Israel - not only for my own personal redemption, but for my people's redemption and for the redemption of the whole world. This month, Nisan, is the month of redemption. I hope big, miraculous things are going to happen, soon. 

Happy Passover,

R. 

Hanukkah of miracles

So it is Hanukkah again, the festival of lights, of miracles. I spent its beginning in self-quarantine at home, we call it here bidud. My next door neighbors had contracted the coronavirus, and since I saw them at their home, and we were not wearing masks, I wanted to take cautionary measures and quarantine myself, just in case I contracted it too, so I won't infect others. Because they have not done the test, I was not obligated by law to quarantine myself. The law only requires quarantine if you were in a contact of more than 15 minutes with verified patients (people who did the test and were found to be positive). I only spent a few minutes at their place, asking them to help me open a jar of olives that I couldn't open myself. It was hard for them to open it too, but after 10 minutes, they managed to do that. They haven't been tested until now, but they have the symptoms. So the law does not obligate me to be in bidud, but being obligated by law is one thing, and being obligated by my conscience is another, and I decided to follow the dictates of my conscience. I was supposed to start teaching a family the next day, 2-3 hours a day for a few days a week, but I decided to wait. I told the family the reason I postpone my coming, and they said that if I feel well, I should not worry, and 'please come'. I slept on it and decided not to go, even though an inner voice in me whispered to me that it's OK and that I am not infected and that I should go. I didn't know if I could trust that little voice. So I've been in bidud for a week and it ended today, exactly two weeks since I saw my neighbors at their home (they only told me that they think they have the corona a week after I went there). That jar of olives turned out to be very expensive, eventually... The good thing is that during this time at home I've been working hard on some project that is important to me and that I want to finish, and I managed to make a lot of progress. I also had all the food I needed at home, as friends of mine brought me a box of organic vegetables and fruit a few days earlier, so there was no problem. Yesterday I contacted the family and told them I'm ready to start today, but now they are going to the Dead Sea for a vacation, so it gets delayed again... Anyway, it is all good, and it is all from G-d. I really appreciate having the time at home to work, reflect and be focused. 

Something good about Hanukkah: unlike every year that I used to go out and see the menorahs alight, this year, because of the bidud, I had to sit down and look at my own candles. After lighting the candles, I sit for between 30 to 60 minutes with electric lights off, looking at the candles, letting their flame wash my eyes. I do a thanking session - thanking G-d for different things He gives me, and also focusing on a good thought. I decided that it can be any good thought that I want, anything, as long as it is good and makes me feel good. So I imagined myself abroad, in an international environment, and in the process I also recalled a friend of mine that I haven't seen in a few years. And - today I got a WhatsApp message from her and she asked if she could call me and talk. We had a wonderful conversation. It's just amazing how much power our minds have. I can 'call' people in my mind, and then they call in real life. When I was a soldier, I did this experiment with a soldier friend of mine, Tal. She and I were doing a night shift, and split the night between us. I was supposed to sleep for 4 hours at the beginning of the shift, and she was supposed to sleep for 4 hours at the later half of the shift. I told her about the power that our minds have. She is not spiritual. She wasn't spiritual then, and she still isn't spiritual today, but she is a psychologist today. Anyway, she was willing to put her skepticism aside for one night and she performed the experiment as I had told her. The way we did it was as follows: each of us was to select one person that we haven't seen in a long time, and it doesn't have to be anybody special or interesting, it could be really anybody. We each selected a person whom we hadn't seen since high school, which meant two years. Just before falling asleep, we were supposed to imagine that person, see their face, hear their voice, imagine that we meet them, with the purpose of spiritually causing a meeting with them, not because they were important, just for the sake of our experiment. And we did this. I focused on a person who was a friend of mine back at school, and she did the same, but in her case she focused on someone she loved at high school, his name is Asaf, I still remember it to this day. Before we fell asleep, each of us focused on the person we chose, and imagined meeting them. The next morning we went home, I went home to my parents home south of Tel Aviv, and she went to her parents home in Jerusalem. 

On my way back by bus, I feel asleep and woke up right when the bus left the bus stop in which I was supposed to get off the bus. I stood up, readying myself to get off at the next bus stop, when I saw 'my' person, who has just boarded the bus. We met after two years that we haven't seen each other. I was shocked. My experiment succeeded! But if I tell Tal, will she believe me? She's such a skeptic! Sure enough, soon Tal and I talked, and it turns out that on that same day, as she was getting off the bus in the (old) central bus station of Jerusalem, she saw... Asaf!!! You can imagine how she felt!! It was shocking to both her and me. I asked her if she talked with him and she said she didn't, and she wished she said something to him. So I suggested she should do it again - "call" him again, mentally. She did, and sure enough - she saw him again, again at the central bus station in Jerusalem. She said hi or something, but she felt he was not interested, and it ended there. He was in love with someone else from Jerusalem, whom I knew from my army course. So anyway, he wasn't her guy, but the point is that in our little experiment, I tried and succeeded once, and she tried and succeeded twice in "calling" a person and have them enter our experience. I'm still in touch with Tal, even though she doesn't live in Israel any more and I met her a year or so ago in Jerusalem when she came to visit her family. I asked her if she remembers our experiment. She does, how could she forget? But it didn't change her worldview, she is still not spiritual, at all, which is something that is hard for me to understand. How could she experience something like this and not become a believer? 

Anyway, I remembered this because of Anette, this friend of mine who called me suddenly today after a long time that I haven't heard from her - after I thought about her and her family yesterday. It was so interesting. 

So, to make a long story short, sitting in front of the candles and focusing on something positive, not allowing my mind to wander to negative places, is really good, it elevates the heart and mind up, it fills the mind with joy, and - it has results in the real world. 

Something that made me happy recently - I got a long Skype message from a woman in a distant land in which I studied in my past. She lives in a northern island in that country, and her son was closing himself at home, at his room, not going to school for a very long time. She contacted a clinician in the capital city of her country. This clinician works with us - with our technology and under our clinical guidance. After a few good month of training, her child is like a new person - he started going to school, going to sports activities in the afternoon, has less headaches, less fears, more confidence, really, like a new person. I helped them a few times on Skype with some technical things, so she has my contact details. What moved me was, of course, this story of success, but also what she said: she wrote that she didn't know about this type of therapy, but her husband knows a lot about the history of the world, and he said that if this therapy involves an Israeli technology, they should try it, because Israel is a smart nation. This is the only reason why they had the courage to take their son from their home in the north island to the capital city, by plane, for testing and instructions, and then do a long series of training at their home. And thanks to that, their son is a new person today, a healthy version of himself. I feel humbled to have the merit and privilege to be a part of this. I feel that my part was very small, but still, it makes me super happy, nonetheless. And the words of the Torah are manifested again in this, Deuteronomy 4:6. I feel this is a true Kiddush HaShem, sanctification of G-d's name. 

And also, all these amazing things that happen to my nation - the Abraham Accords with Qatar, Bahrain, Morocco, Bhutan, and soon other countries. Unbelievable, incredible, moving, exciting, humbling. G-d is GREAT!!! Who could have imagined that anything like this should happen, and so soon? Just like that, all of a sudden? This is simply unbelievable, like a dream, and G-d is really great, I don't have enough words to praise Him for that. 

The sky in Israel has been looking really dramatic and unusual for the past few months, so much so that people talk about it. Today, when I went out after a week at home, I had a chance to see it again. Something strange, good and great is going to happen, and it is going to happen soon. Things happen so fast, things just happen which makes one pause and think. This is just incredible! 

The Lubavitcher rebbe told Binyamin Netanyahu some 30 years ago or so, that he will be prime minister for a long time, that he will have to fight all alone against 119 knesset members and that he should be strong, because this is the will of G-d, and that he will be the one to "hand the keys" to the messiah... Well, this message was said before Netanyahu was prime minister, when he was youngish. And now he is the longest serving prime minister in the history of modern Israel, even longer than Ben Gurion, and he fights so much opposition, from within and from without. If there are fourth elections soon, I'm going to vote for him this time. It's obvious that G-d is with him - perhaps because he is for a Jewish state, unlike those of the left, who want to give away parts of the land and make the state just like any other. I wasn't going to vote for him, but I realize that if we don't stand behind him, all of us, things will not be good, so there is no other choice. And if G-d chooses him, and prepares our minds for monarchy with our Bibi King, who am I to object? I'm going to flow with this plan. 

Anyway, I wrote a lot... time to end this... 

After Hanukkah is over, I think I will continue my little candle meditation - it's like having a short Shabbat in the middle of the weekdays, and it is rejuvenating for the mind. 

Happy Hanukkah! 

 

 

 

Modeh Ani...

 

I woke up very early this morning, at 4:30 am, to go to the bathroom. Because I have an early morning work meeting over Skype with someone in New Zealand today, I knew that even if I go back to sleep, I wouldn’t be able to. My brain would prepare me to be alert for the meeting and would not let me go back to sleep as in other nights. So I happily gave it up. I stayed in  bed and said the twelve words every religious Jew says first thing in the morning: I thank you, oh living and existing King, for having restored my soul into me in your compassion. Your faithfulness (in me) is great. Trust me, in Hebrew these are twelve words, and it is known as the Modeh Ani prayer. Before you do anything, before you even go out of bed – once you woke up and you know you start your day (unlike when you go back to sleep), you utter these words quietly. And then, because it was so early and I wasn’t in a rush, I contemplated these words. Basically, what they imply, is that each and every one of us here on this planet, are here on a mission. We were SENT here. We were not born here by accident. G-d equipped us with all the talents and inclinations that we have so that we can do the most in this life with them to serve Him, and to serve humanity the way He wants us to serve. And how do I know that? I mean, I’ve known this for a long time just by observing and contemplating life, but – how did I infer this from these words? The answer is very clear. This prayer states that G-d is the one who places the soul in our body, He is the one deciding whether to do it or not every morning (indeed, every moment) anew. Therefore, it is His desire that we will be here. And the last words, Your faithfulness (in me) is great, means that He has confidence in me that I would fulfill my mission. And if I don’t, if I procrastinate, if I’m lost, He does not lose His patience. He gives me one more chance, and another, and still another. Every day is a chance to start anew, to begin something good, to lay down the foundation for building something GREAT. What is it, what does He want us to do? The answer to that may lie in our dreams and hopes and wishes for ourselves. What is it that we want most to accomplish? What is it that we fantasize of doing with our lives? Is it to write movie scripts? Books? Is it to be kind to everyone around us and lift people up simply with our smile and words? Is it to cook the tastiest, healthiest food for our loved ones or as a business? Anything that we love doing and has value to others (and to ourselves) and is in alignment with what G-d wants of us, is the right answer, and can be a few of them.

Everyone wants to succeed in life, but very few people stop to think what success is. Is it making money? If so, would you define mafia people, drug dealers or manufacturers of cigarettes as successful? To me, they are a failure, because even though they make a lot of money, they do not serve humanity – they use their time and talents to harm humanity in order to benefit themselves. I believe the same goes for icecream manufacturers, and manufacturers of sweetened drinks like cola. Even if they later use portions of their fortune to benefit society – it does not change the fact that they made that fortune by contributing to ruining people’s health. I know someone who died of lung cancer at 40 some. This is not an outcome one should strive for, to harm people’s health.

So what is success, is it being famous? I think that people that become famous, let’s say sports stars, music starts, movie starts, etc., get an amazing platform that can help them influence the world. For example, in Israel, HaShem made it so that very secular singers and movie stars and journalists start to become religious. The process that they go affects their fans, and it makes society a lot more traditional and religious. So these people use their stardom for a beneficial purpose. But if I think of other stars, say like Amy Winehouse, a Jewish singer from England, with Tunisian roots, with an amazing, incredible voice – her flame went up too quickly, and was extinct too quickly. She was too young to figure out what to do with her fame, she fell to drugs and alcohol and died at the age of 27 while leaving beautiful songs, but she didn’t survive to use her stardom for beneficial purposes, to serve society. This is sad, and I know of people who didn’t use their stardom all of their lives, even when they lived till old age, to benefit society, and I think this is a miss. They missed the most important thing. I think the angst of emptiness that many stars feel once they reach fame comes from an inner place in their soul that is searching for meaning, and they do not know how to find it, so they lose their way. They do not look for ways to serve humanity, and this self-focus kills them. Many of them become suicidal, many fall to drugs and alcohol. But in reality – they have a great mission in life, if only they would open their eyes and realize that they were born to serve.

One could be a cashier at a supermarket, and do it very gracefully – smiling to the customers, asking about them, making them feel like they are seen – and this would constitute a great success, even without making a lot of money and without reaching fame. This would be a life of meaning, and it may even save a life or two of people who are very lonely and feel ignored by society.

Each of us, wherever we are positioned in life, should lead a life of service – of thinking how to benefit others. If we do, we will be happy, and the world will become a MUCH better place.

So, anyway, these thoughts came to me as I was reciting the Modeh Ani prayer, and I felt a sudden urge to sit down and write this here. I know I haven’t written in a long time…

One more happy thing that (I hope) emerged from today’s early waking is – I decided that I want to try to wake up early every morning (like 5 am), which means that I’ll start going to bed at around 8 or 9 pm at the latest, to get all the sleep I need. This would be so much healthier – to synchronize more with the sun, to spend more of the dark hours sleeping and more of the light hours awake. Also, I want to enjoy the magic of these morning hours – the special delicate light outside, the quiet all around, the clean air. I decided that if I have such magical mornings every day, I’ll try to dedicate 3-4 hours every morning to writing. Perhaps not writing here, but writing things that are meaningful to me and fulfil my dreams in this respect. It would make me so happy, because I’ve felt this burning urge to write since I was a child, and I haven’t done anything about it. I only wrote (in length) in my journals – detailing my thoughts, emotions, meaningful insights, etc. I hardly wrote other things for other people to read (except for this blog and letters to the community when I was a Shlicha in the US many years ago). I want to use this ability that I have to serve G-d, because He sent me here with this passion for writing, and I believe He wants me to serve Him and make an impact in the world through writing. We’ll see how it goes, but I think that having a morning routine is a must.

One more thought I wanted to share – I have this beautiful round window in my living room. When I lay down on my sofa just after I light the Shabbat candles (I light them on that window seal), I look at the window, and it shows me the sky, and some tree tops. Last Shabbat (Friday evening), just as I finished lighting the candles and saying a prayer, I was lying there, looking out that window at the sky, and HaShem orchestrated the most beautiful show for me to see. First, the sky changed colors, and it was so magnificent. Beautiful colors of red, pink, orange, gold – all on the background of the light blue sky and some feathery white clouds. Then there were countless birds. I’m not familiar with the kinds of birds, but some of them were crows. They were singing and flying in groups, and landing on the branches of a big palm tree that I can see from my window. It was just breathtaking and I was mesmerized, and thankful. It was so artistic, and magnificent, I don’t have enough words to describe it. I’m looking for next week’s post-candle-lighting Show. I feel humbled to merit to witness that.

Have a good week, Shavua Tov!

R.

Bereshit

 So last shabbat we started reading the Torah from the beginning again, from Bereshit. I read it at home, as I do not go to synagogues these days, and was so bothered by everything that was told there. 

As I was reading about Adam, Eve and the apple (it wasn't an apple, you know) I was thinking - first, how did the snake know that G-d told Adam not to eat from that tree, the Tree of Knowledge? What was the snake that gave him such knowledge, and why did he abuse that knowledge?

Second, I think it's the first time I realize that Eve never heard G-d's command not to eat of that tree directly. She only heard it from second hand from Adam. This fact in itself can be a cause for confusion. But I do not think it's a good enough excuse to get her off the hook. As I was reading the words in the Torah telling how she looked at the apple (let's call it an apple from now on just for simplicity's sake), and how she used her own judgement to decide whether it's good or bad, contrary to G-d's judgement of it as a fruit that is not good for her and Adam to eat - I felt furious. How could she?! What Hutzpah! And not only that, she also suggested it to stupid Adam, who heard that prohibition directly from G-d Himself. I know, yes, I know that we are all doing it in so many ways in different areas of our lives and I think that modern society does it big time (saying that certain things are legitimate and good when in fact G-d said they are not), but if only she were more humble, knowing that G-d's judgement is and forever will be far superior to her own, or to the snake's. And then how they diverted the blame from themselves, 'it was the woman YOU GAVE Me'. Adam doesn't only blame the woman, he blames G-d for giving him that woman. My gosh. 

And then the story with Cain and Abel - and the mystery of what Cain told Abel in the field. Readers of translations miss something very dramatic that appears only in the Hebrew text: when the Torah says that Cain spoke to Abel, the text says: "And Cain spoke unto Abel his brother", and then there is a big empty space before the next verse. It's like the Torah omits the words spoken by Cain, but does not obliterate the space they take. The space is there, but the words are missing. This is very mysterious and I was wondering to myself, first - why didn't the Torah tell us what were the words spoken by Cain, and second, why did it make it a point to leave a blank space in place of those words? A mystery. I still have to think about it, I'm not sure I have a good enough suggestion for this mystery. 

And then for the first time in my life I realized that Cain was not all bad - he actually repented for his sin, he acknowledged the gravity of his sin and regretted it, so much so that G-d put a special protecting sign on him, to make sure no one will kill him in retaliation. This shows that if we repent, no matter how grave our sins are, G-d accepts us and loves us. Anyway, it is also interesting to note that the seed of Cain, all his descendants, died eventually in the flood. How do I know it? Because the only people surviving the flood were Noah and his family, and Noah came from Cain's younger brother, Seth. But who knows, perhaps Noah's wife came from the seed of Cain? G-d knows. 

Anyway, one more interesting insight, not sure it's mine, I think I read it somewhere, is that Lemech, one of the descendants of Cain, called his sons with names that are with the same root letters as Abel. Yaval, Yuval, Tuval Cain. Interesting. I think this in itself also shows how deep Cain's regret and repentance were, if even his descendants call their children by names reminiscent of Abel. 

Today, back then, it was Succot.