Comfort ?

I wrote it, posted it, but then reverted it to draft. I post it again. Written Jan. 1.

I started listening to music today. I feel starved for it. I feel guilty for enjoying music while the soldiers are fighting in the battle field. But I need my music to live. I hope Hashem does not judge me for it. 

I feel so comforted by the music. 

I still fast from time to time, and still sleep on the floor (the carpet) from time to time, to sympathize with them. My desktop picture is of Shiri Bibas and her two children. I chose it so as not to forget that while my life goes on, for others it doesn't. Whenever I open my computer and see this picture I get a shock. I can't get used to it. 

I've met the family of some hostages. The family members live their lives. They eat, they sleep in their beds, they listen to music, they laugh, despite the pain. So perhaps I can too. 

I run a page with Jewish content. I get so many hateful comments from people with Muslim names. They "bless" the creator, they "bless" the Bible. It is so sad. I'm sad for them. They are completely and totally in the wrong side of history. They are full of hatred. 

Fortunately and gladly, I know some Arabs and Muslims who are not like that. Who are kind, humane, good people. But they are the silent types. It is always like this. You never hear the good ones. The bad ones make a lot of noise. Sorry for the simplistic dichotomy. 

I feel like a hypocrite. I say that I feel guilty, but I keep listening to music... what kind of guilt is it... 

Just as I was writing it, the music stopped and did not resume. As if Hashem is telling me I'm correct in feeling hypocritical... I'm starved for music. I know that some of the hostages listen to Israeli radio, so perhaps they too listen to music.

Since the Simkhat Torah massacre, I find that I look back at my own life much less often. I'm trying with all my might to put the past in the past, and to look forward. I'm trying to form an image and cling to it. But I hardly do it. It is so unnatural and so difficult sometimes to do. 

I still feel that this is going to be the beginning of something much greater (Ezekiel 38, G-d forbid). I'm not afraid, but I know we're in the middle of something unusual. 

Good night.