So I finally did it. At first, it was obvious to me that I wasn't going to. Then, pressure from the environment started accumulating, which made me start thinking about it, researching it. And then some research findings started to come out which made me realize there is merit in doing this. I finally took the vaccine.
I'm a naturalist person - not taking pills or drugs, trying to take care of my body and not needing Western medicine. Therefore, the idea of taking a vaccine was an anathema to me - I felt it was not what I wanted or needed to do. But then pressure from people started coming: "Are you not taking the vaccine? Don't do this to yourself! You should take care of yourself and be careful!", etc. These were not enough to convince me - at all. But I did ask G-d about it. And then the answers started coming in in ways that I could not deny. I realized G-d was telling me to do it. But I still hesitated and resisted. And then research findings started coming out - saying that if you take the vaccine, your chances of infecting other people goes down dramatically. And I felt that G-d kept sending me messengers and putting pressure on me to do it. I finally did - not without sadness - and mostly not for me, but for people who may be vulnerable to it. If I trust my immune system to fight the virus, but I infect other people, who will then infect other people, who will then suffer or even die, then I prefer to take the vaccine and prevent needless deaths down the line.
After I took it, I heard on the news that if you take the vaccine, your chances of infecting others go down dramatically by 94%. That made me happy.
When I took it, I felt so sad and dissatisfied. I felt I was betraying myself, betraying my body. When I got in, two Arab nurses received me. They were very nice and cordial. I gave them my arm, but then couldn't let them put the needle into my flesh. We tried a few times, and every time I instinctively withdrew my arm, like a little child. I was so embarrassed of my reaction. One of them held my hands softly. I laughed at myself and apologized. They said that it's OK, that with some other people it may take 30 minutes before they let them do it. It took me 'only' five...
And then they did it, and gave me the vaccine. I felt OK after that, but a few hours later, I started feeling SO exhausted. I felt heavy and tired. It was Shabbat, so I could allow this to myself. I went to bed at 10 pm and slept for 12 straight hours! The strange feeling was still there after 36 hours or more. I must admit I felt violated. I felt I was forcing myself to do something I absolutely didn't want to do. But I think I did the right thing. This coming Friday I'm supposed to get the second vaccine. If this will save someone's life, then it's worth it.
Last Friday I went to the supermarket in my neighborhood. One of the employees announced some special sales (bread, meat, etc.) for Shabbat. Then, I was surprised to hear - he was talking about the weekly Torah Portion! It was so cute! I don't think I've ever heard that before. I hope they keep doing it - while people were shopping, they were hearing words of Torah and wisdom. How amazing is that! And apropos of words of Torah - I just read the late Rabbi Jonathan Sacks' article about this week's Torah Portion, titled: "The Courage of Identity Crises" (Tzav, 5781) and I really recommend it. Try finding it online and reading it. I love his writings, his ideas, the patterns that he discovers in the Torah. He is an intellectual giant. He is so alive, even now when he is no longer with us.
One more supermarket anecdote - the same supermarket. I was buying there, and then I heard a fight. Two shoppers were standing near the cashier - an Arab and a Jew. I'm not sure what they were arguing about, but then the Arab person told the Jewish person: "And you are Jewish!". He meant it to say that he expected something much better from a Jew. I was surprised. To hear that from an Arab person - that he has higher expectations from Jews... wow. That was something.
Passover is just around the corner. I feel a fountain of prayers bursting out from within me, things that were blocked in me for so many years. I pray for things that I'm pretty sure will not happen - but just the freedom and the ability to pray from the bottom of my heart for something that I really want is liberating, regardless of what the outcome in reality will be. It brings me closer to G-d. And then I use my own personal struggle to pray for the people of Israel - not only for my own personal redemption, but for my people's redemption and for the redemption of the whole world. This month, Nisan, is the month of redemption. I hope big, miraculous things are going to happen, soon.
Happy Passover,
R.