Thoughts inspired by an American idol

Today I had an online meeting with an Australian client of the company I work for. As I was helping them online, I heard in the background of their home familiar sounds of music. It was the soundtrack of a movie I used to love as a young girl. The title of the movie is horrible, so I won't even write it here, but the movie itself used to be a cult movie for teenage girls back then. The star of the movie is actor Patrick Swayze and his co-star is Jennifer Gray. In the movie he is a dance instructor in a summer vacation resort. Hearing the sounds of the songs from the soundtrack of this film made me nostalgic. I then replayed it on youtube and researched Patrick on google. I remember his awful end as he was fighting pancreatic cancer in his later years. A few thoughts and insights came into my mind as a result.  

First, our bodies are just vessels. They allow us to work in this world, to influence others, to do good. Superstars like Patrick Swayze and his likes reach fame, because through fame they can affect and influence others on vast scales. The only question remains - would they use this for good or for bad, will they be soldiers in G-d's army, or join the ranks of those who think they can do without Him. Patrick Swayze used to be one of the most beautiful looking people on this planet. He looked like a Greek god of some sort. Still, he had this air about him that he didn't take his beauty too seriously. At a very young age he married his sweetheart and they were married for decades until his death. Others in his position tend to go out with a different model every day of their lives until they reach old age. He didn't. He stayed married to his sweetheart and didn't date other women. I saw interviews with him. Gorgeous as he was, physically, he was a very simple man inside, not a super-intellectual, not a super-spiritual person. Just a sweet, simple man with good intentions. He tried to fight cancer through the regular means - chemotherapy and the like, and I think it was this treatment that killed him faster than the cancer would have. He died relatively young, and his last year/s of his life taught the world that this body of ours is so temporary, and beauty tends to fade even for the most beautiful people on this earth. What matters is the personality, the mind, and the good deeds that the person has done in his life. In his last year of life he looked like a pale shadow of himself - but he himself remained who he was even when he looked so different, and his spouse was helping him until he took his last breath. She loved him not for his beauty, but for who he was, for his soul. 

 

    

 

Second, most people do not stay faithful to a dead spouse. I read a bit about his spouse, and found out that she remarried. It was a shock to me. How could she marry anyone else after sharing such a strong love with him? How can the heart do it? To me, it was as if she betrayed him, it came to me like a punch in the stomach. I don't say it's immoral to remarry, of course that's absolutely not true. I just wonder how she found room in her heart to love somebody else. If you truly love someone, you can't marry someone else, no matter how many years have passed since they left you. I know people who feel the same way like me about this - who have stayed faithful to someone they loved even decades after their loved one was gone, or gone from their lives. 

Third, with all the money and fame that he had, he was an avid searcher for a spiritual connection. He was not religious, but he was looking for G-d in his own way. It just means that all the transient, physical aspects of this world that everybody is craving so much - are really not enough to fill the cravings of the soul. In the scroll of Ecclesiastes, King Solomon (Kohelet) said - I have had it all, all the luxuries of this life, but it is all Havel Havalim. It is worth nothing and it fades away like vapor. The word Hevel means nonsense, something inconsequential. But it also means the vapors that come out of our mouths when we breathe or speak on a very cold day. It seems tangible for a fleeting moment, but then it is gone. So are all the physical aspects of this world, of this life. The only thing worth investing our time and energy in are things that nourish our souls. I feel like G-d used him as an example, to teach these truths. His disease was not necessarily a punishment for him. Instead, it was just a lesson to the world. He had to be famous and gorgeous so that everybody would know that the body is just a body. It is Hevel. And so are all the other physical things in this world. 

Thank you, Patrick Swayze, for these lessons, may your soul rest in peace.

Genesis 1

Verse 1: In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. 

The Torah can be read on four different levels of meanings, known as PARDES (PRDS).for short. The first level is the surface level, Pshat. The second level is the Remez, hint, or the symbolic level of meaning. The third level is Drash, which is yet deeper, and the last layer is that of Sod (secret), which is the level of Kabbalah, Jewish mysticism, the deepest and most fascinating layer of all. 

If you look at the text in Hebrew, you will notice that the first letter of the Torah is Bet (ב), which is the second letter of the Hebrew alphabet. Moreover, it is not a usual Bet. It is significantly larger than the other letters in the text. This is not something we normally do in Hebrew (unlike European languages, in which it is common). This is therefore a hint. It hints at a special meaning. Our sages say that Bet is a hint for blessing, for abundance. The world was created with a blessing, with the intention to bless it. The purpose of creation was to bestow abundant kindness on the creatures of this world. 

Heaven is the spiritual realm - the angels, the souls - that is, heaven and all its hosts. Earth is the material world: dry land, the sea, flora and fauna, animals, and... man. Man is a composite of the two realms. His body is from the earth, but his soul is from the realm of heaven. He is the only creature in all of creation that has this duality. He is also the only creature on earth that has a choice - the choice between the desires of his body and the desires of his soul. Who will rule over whom? Who will prevail? The answer to this question will determine the sum-total of the person at the end of his life, and the meaning and worth of every day of his life. 

Man was created in G-d's image. Unlike any of the other creatures, man can think abstractly, can speak and convey complex ideas, can appreciate beauty, produce and understand humor, produce art and enjoy it. Man can plan ahead and create worlds. If we look at the world around us, everything we see - the houses, the cars, planes, computers, industry - attests to the superiority of the human race over other creatures with which the world abounds. Humans are partners with G-d in creating and recreating this world, in changing it, developing it, and... perhaps in destroying it. Human intelligence is part of the 'Heavens' part of man. If it serves lofty ideas and values, it can life man and humankind up and transform the world. However, if this intelligence is in the service of the 'Earth' component in man, disaster may ensue, as it has so many times in history. Wars - between nations or between individuals - are the result of envy, greed, selfishness, egoism, all the lower forces in man. Charity and kindness are the opposite - they are the result of the most sublime parts in the human soul. 

Verse 2: Now the earth was unformed and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the spirit of God hovered over the face of the waters.

From this verse we learn that when G-d created Heaven and Earth, He also created water. Water was not created as a separate creation, but was created at the same time as Heaven and Earth, as part of them. Later we will see that this water will be split between the upper water and the lower water. For now we should say that water is an element that is essential for existence. There is no life without it. Water is an allegory, a symbol for the Torah. Just as water hydrates the body and keeps it alive, so does the Torah, the teachings of G-d nourish the soul and keeps it alive, really alive. When you start learning Torah, you feel this thirst, this desire to 'drink' more and more of its wisdom, purity and divinity. It revives the soul. Our sages say that G-d looked at the Torah and created the world. That is, the Torah preceded the creation of the world. This may sound strange at first glance, but when you learn the Torah more and more deeply, you realize that it is a code. It has its surface level, but it also has deeper, encoded levels. Every word has its surface meaning, but it has deeper meanings as well. And just like programmers write code, which later becomes a new creation, a new software, so was the Torah for G-d: a code that was later transformed into the world we know. At that time there was darkness. Darkness is the absence of light, it is not an entity in its own self, just the absence of its opposite. The root letters of the word darkness in Hebrew (חשך) also mean to withhold, to deprive (normally written חסך). Here the Torah does not talk about physical darkness, but spiritual one. How do we know this? The answer is in the next verse. 

Verse 3: And God said: 'Let there be light.' And there was light.

Please notice that Light was created in the first day of creation, whereas the sun, the moon and the other stars were created only in the fourth day. This means that the source of this light was not physical. Many people who have experienced near-death-experiences (NDE) describe this experience and say that their soul was traveling in a dark tunnel, at the end of which there was an exquisite, pure light which was their destination. They wanted to merge with the light and when in its presence, they felt immense love and compassion, like none they have ever known before. Because of this, many of them do not want to return to their bodies in this world. They want to leave behind everything they held dear in the physical world and stay with the Light. The light is the light of G-d, reserved for those who did good in His sight. This light permeates the physical creation as well, as G-d's bounty, kindness and graces are all around us at all times, but most people are blind to it and are not appreciative. Jews say a blessing and thank G-d for everything we enjoy in this world. There is a blessing over food, a blessing over some bodily functions, a blessing when we see lightning and hear thunders, a blessing when we see beautiful mountains and lakes, a blessing when we see a beloved person whom we haven't seen in a long time, a blessing when we see beautiful people and even a blessing when we see kings and heads of states. We bless the name of Hashem numerous times during each day, and this way we stay connected with Him through our physical lives in this world. It is very symbolic that our first action every morning is to say Modeh Ani (I thank You). We are aware of the light and are grateful for it. 

Verse 4: And God saw the light, that it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness.

When an embryo forms, all of its initial cells are the same. They are stem cells from which later the body forms. Some stem cells become neurons, other stem cells become liver cells, and still others become skin and hair cells. At the end of this division process, we get an organism with many different cells, tissues, organs and systems that work together in perfect harmony to support the life of the person. The act of creation is an act of separation and division. In the beginning, there was no division, it was all an unformed mesh. But just like a tiny embryo, the world starts developing when G-d separates its different elements. On the surface level, we may think it is redundant to say that G-d separated the light from darkness. After all, darkness is the absence of light, so it is already separated from it! However, on a deeper level, things may make more sense. There is good and bad in this world. G-d created both. But the two should be separated, so the bad does not affect the good and spoils it, and so that the good doesn't give the bad a non-deserved "kosher stamp" just by being there. A clear division should be between what is good and what is bad, what is right and what is wrong, what is for G-d and what is against G-d. In each of the days of our lives we have these struggles and fights to choose good over bad, to immerse ourselves in the good and to distance ourselves from the bad. When good and bad are mixed, it is good for the bad, and it is bad for the good. Separation of darkness and light should therefore be in place, and this is what G-d is doing already in the first day. 

Verse 5: And God called the light Day, and the darkness He called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day. 

Please visit this post again - I will continue writing here later... It is getting late.

two dreams

I had a terrifying dream, but even in that dream Hashem was with me, “speaking” to me.

A few years ago, just as the Corona pandemic began, I started growing my hair again, with the purpose of donating it again to a charity organization that makes wigs for cancer patients. It grew really fast and now it is very long. It is basically ready for donation and has been for a year at least. But then, I started liking being with long hair again and therefore delayed the donation. I recently even debated within myself whether to donate it eventually or not…

Earlier this week, I dreamed that my hair was falling out in big chunks, and that most of my head was completely bald, except for some long strands that were left in the bottom part of the scalp. In the dream, I saw myself in the mirror, and it was a horrifying sight. I touched my head and it was so smooth and shiny. I was around some young women who had their hair and I felt so bad that my hair was falling out. The dream was so real.

When I woke up and realized it was just a dream, I couldn’t believe it. I felt such a huge relief. I touched my head, finding it hard to believe that I have my hair, that it is there and hasn’t fallen out. Even now, as I remember this dream, I touch my head, just to make sure it is real and that I have my hair (G-d’s gift) with me. And a small corner in my heart refuses to believe it is actually there. The dream was so convincing… Truthfully, this corner is not that small… I feel the urge to touch my head from time to time, to appreciate the fact that this was just a dream and not the reality. And I’m so thankful that it was.

The message of the dream was so clear and poignant. For some people this is not just a bad dream, it is their reality. And since I grew the hair long in the first place just to donate it and saw G-d’s providence in the speed with which it grew, I cannot now keep it selfishly to myself. I have to donate it. That morning, as I woke up, I called the charity organization that makes wigs to ask some details and information on how to do it this time, and after some consultation, I decided to do it in December. They have an ‘event’, a day dedicated to cutting donors’ hair in Jerusalem. I have one more month to enjoy being with long hair, before it will be on someone else’s head. And I pray that Hashem would never ever let me be in the horrible situation I saw in my dream. I now understand a bit better the pain and anguish of the people who undergo chemo. There is more power in my prayer now, because in a way I experienced one aspect of it myself, albeit in the dream. G-d speaks to us through our dreams!

May we all be healthy always and cherish our health, it is not obvious at all!

I had a totally different dream a few nights ago, very real again. I saw a group at the lobby of a hotel in Jerusalem. It was the Dan/Hyatt Hotel, but it looked more like the Inbal Hotel. I pretended not to see, not to notice. I didn’t want to embarrass anyone. The images from the dream stayed with me throughout that day.

Today I went through some old diaries and photocopies of letters that I wrote and sent many, many years ago. I am totally there now. As if time has no meaning whatsoever. Etzli Hakol Beseder... 

One beautiful thing that is evolving in my life right now, which is still in its inception but still very beautiful, is my Bible study group with the old ladies. At first, I thought I would follow the Weekly Torah Portion with them, and this is what we did, until Simchat Torah, and it went beautifully well, but took a lot of preparation time from me. Then, after Simchat Torah we started reading the Torah from the beginning, but because there is so much to say, we don't catch up. We are still in the first portion, even though this week in synagogues they will read the third portion. My ladies and I will continue with the first portion for a while. Today we thought that instead of calling the class "Weekly Torah Portion", we will just call it "Torah Study" or "Bible Study". We read the verses, and talk about the revealed and hidden meanings in the text. Each verse encourages so many stories and sharing, and it is all so spiritual, uplifting and inspiring. It is really a gift from above. Now I want to do it with other groups as well, but I feel that I should first let the flame strengthen, and then the opportunities will present themselves. I've always wanted to be a motivational, spiritual speaker. Now I have a chance to do it, albeit on a small, cozy scale. 

I'm very happy with the results of our elections. The Jewish identity camp won. The anti-Jewish identity lost. With G-d's graces. Baruch Hashem. I love Hashem. He is my deepest, truest friend. No one like Him. 

A wonderful new door - opens...!

First, before I explain the meaning of this title, I have to say that the summer time is great for me. I don't like the heat, but in Jerusalem there is very little humidity, so the heat doesn't bother me as much. I try to protect my skin by applying sunscreen and wearing a hat, and the rest of it is fine. So why is the summer so good for me? because I can sit and work on my research quietly, in my favorite place at the Mt. Scopus library. I found a spot there that is so wonderful, and I sit there quietly and focus on my work. And why does it matter if it is summer or another season? Because in the summer, most students are not there, so I can work peacefully and quietly and my favorite place is free, not taken by others. There are still many other people studying there, but it is quieter and more pleasant. It is just great! I so love this place! 

There is something mysterious and so special about this campus, about the air, the light, the beauty of the outdoor corners there - you can feel Jerusalem there in such a pronounced way. I don't know what's the secret of this place. I wonder, is anyone really holy buried there? I don't know. I once took a tour on Mt. Scopus, and the guide said that the whole mountain used to be a burial place, so who knows, perhaps there are some really righteous people buried there... One thing I do know: that Nikanor is buried there. The Talmud tells us that Nikanor donated doors of gold to the holy temple. His grave is still there, in the small botanical garden at the campus. Could it be the reason for this magical atmosphere? I also wonder where the doors are...! I think the Romans must have taken these doors back with them to Rome when they destroyed the Temple. Anyway, two days ago I went to the campus to work, and unfortunately, found that the library was closed. It made me so sad. The university is on a break, until Sept. 4th, so it means that I'll have to either work from home or find another place. Well, if this is what Hashem wants, this is what I'll do.

And now to the new door. Wednesday night, as I was coming back home, I prayed to Hashem that He would help me open my channels to receive everything that He wants to give me, because often I feel that I'm closing my channels (because I sometimes feel unworthy of His abundance or fear that it is not nice to ask for things that I want and need - even though the Torah encourages us to do just that and as much as possible). I prayed that He would just help me open my channels, so that things that He wants to give me will not be "spilled" out, but rather, that I would be able to receive them. I was praying silently, as I was walking on the street, just speaking to Him from my heart, not moving my lips. And then, a few minutes later, I received a phone call...

It was at 8:04 pm at night. A lady who is in charge of lecturers and speakers in an old-people's home called me. I sometimes give lectures there to the old people about Japan, about neuroscience, etc. I like giving talks and it helps me pay some of the rent. The talks I give are just once in a while, not often. I thought to myself that I wish it would have been on a regular, weekly basis. But - I couldn't imagine myself preparing a new lecture and a new PowerPoint presentation every week about these topics - it takes so much time to do it, and I don't think that it would be nice for me or for the audience to keep discussing these same topics again and again every week. This is why it had to stay just once in a while and not regularly. But - God's thoughts are bigger than mine. He has ideas that I couldn't come up with myself. 

And so, the lady called me that night and asked me... if I could give a weekly class about the Bible to a group of English speaking ladies... Wow... now, this has taken me by surprise. At first I didn't know what to say. I've never thought of myself as a teacher of Bible. I live the Bible, and I write this blog, and I talk about faith and biblical topics with friends. I once even gave a talk about Judaism and Ecology in an ecumenical forum in the USA and some lectures about the prophecies to Norwegian groups, but I've never done a regular class about Biblical topics. I shared all of these feelings and thoughts with her, but she was not bothered by it, it seemed as if she believed in me more than I believed in my self. I asked her to stay with me on the line while I try to ponder this and make a decision. And then I decided to say YES, despite the fears and apprehensions. Once I said yes, it all became easy and clear to me - I knew exactly what I was going to do. I told her that it won't be simply 'Bible' studies, but it would be the weekly Torah portion, supplemented with parts of the Prophets and Scripture. She asked me if I can start the next day, Thursday... and again - despite the fears, I said yes. 

I am very pleased with myself for saying yes, twice! The interesting thing is that I've wanted to give a class about the weekly Torah portion for a while now, but the community I live in is very religious - they don't need me necessarily to do that, they have their own Rabbis and Rebbetzins who do it for them, so I didn't ponder it any further. I was thinking of starting a Torah class on Zoom for friends who don't live here, but I was so busy, I didn't give it the time it deserves. But Hashem knows better. He just gave me this chance - and this in fact forced me to get down to it and start doing it! And He also provided the audience! 

So, yesterday was my first formal Torah class. I was given a room with a long, rectangular table for the ladies to sit around. I prayed a lot before it, that it should be uplifting and inspiring and interesting for the ladies, and Hashem made it so! It was so enjoyable for all of us, and at the end, the ladies compared me to a Rabbi who goes there and teaches Torah on Shabbat, and without them saying anything non-positive about him, it was obvious that the comparison was in my favor. I was elated!! Now I know that I want to give such classes as much as possible, and talk much less about the secular topics that I used to give lectures on.

So, a new chapter has just started in my life, and I feel that this is the real thing! Preparing for this class is also very enjoyable and I learn a lot in the process. I am so grateful and thankful! 

Shabbat shalom!

Today

I'm sitting and writing this from one of my favorite spots - the 5th floor of the Mt. Scopus library. Some days in our lives we are prompted to think more thoroughly than usual about our journey, and about our current stop in the journey, and also about the direction we are about to take from now on. 

Sometimes we want to make a change, but we lack the courage to do it: "What would people say... how would my life be if I make the change... what if people in my new life won't support me... how would I make a living...", etc. 

But the important question is not any of these. The only important question is: Does G-d favor my new direction? Does He will it? Will He support this decision? All the other questions are not important. Really. Will I be able to sanctify G-d's name in my new life? Will I be able to serve Him as He wants? These are the important questions. 

I once asked Hashem in my heart if a certain person will do a certain crucial change. Or, more precisely, a change back to where they used to be when I first met them. The answer came pretty quickly: That specific person does not leave even a small crack open for Me to get in and guide Him to the new (old) direction. It is in the hands of the person, and G-d is there, waiting for the person to open a small opening, so that He can get in and guide them. But they lock all doors... trying to make meaning of the path they're already on, perhaps silencing any nagging doubt or feeling of unsurety. 

This makes me sad, but I have to respect their decision and choice. 

Today I walked near where they used to live. Some of their energy is still there. But they aren't.

Anyway, life goes on. 

OtOmG

The story of Korach - 2021/22

It is simply amazing how Hashem works in the world. And we, people, we only have to open our eyes and see it. But - most of us are completely blind.

I think I’ve written here before that it seems to me that for some reason, not sure exactly why, Hashem favors Netanyahu as the leader of the Jewish people at this point in time. Even his name, Netanyahu, means “G-d given”. I don’t think he is perfect – in fact, he is far from that, and there are many things I do not like about his personality (at least the way it comes across through the leftist media), but it seems that Hashem has chosen him to be our leader at this point. He was in power for the longest time ever in the history of the State of Israel, and in his time as Prime Minister, Israel has advanced in many ways, the most recent of which was the unbelievable, absolutely unimaginable, Abrahamic Accords – the peace agreements with previously enemy Arab states. Who could have ever imagined something like this, and now of all times…?

And, just like King David had many enemies (sorry for the comparison, I know it is not a perfect one, but still…), so does Netanyahu have many enemies who have coveted the Prime Minister’s seat. Rivals from all parts of the political sphere have gathered together and done everything in their power to oust him from the prime minister’s position – and they managed to achieve their goal. But thankfully - only for a brief time. Eventually, they failed. Sadly, while they were in power, the Arab population in Israel has become more violent, claiming to be the lords of the land, murdering us on the streets, taking down our flags and putting theirs as a symbolic way of saying: “Hey, this is our land! Go away or we will kill you!”. We started to feel like this has become an unsafe place for us to live in, that we lose our sovereignty over the land. We prayed hard to G-d to fail that terrible government. But - we didn’t expect our prayers to be answered that soon! Thank G-d for that!

The new prime minister, Bennett, took power with only a small minority of votes (while Netanyahu had something like 5 times more votes than him), and betrayed his voters when he teamed up with left wing parties and Arab parties to form a government, while his voters were right-wing voters. He gave the Arabs huge budgets and answered all of their demands, because he needed their cooperation. He justified his taking power at that price with all kinds of excuses, claiming he was doing it for the benefit of all of us, including his voters, but everybody knew – he did this because he wanted to be the prime minister, and he took advantage of some “breach in the (democratic) fence” to grab the seat. The political system here, the way it is built, gave him the opportunity to do that. He betrayed his voters for “15 minutes of fame” and ruined himself politically, while ruining a lot for us as well. It will take a long time to undo the damages he caused us. We are thankful that he will no longer govern us. It was such a happy day when I heard this! I couldn’t do anything else, I was just thanking G-d and listening to happy songs that express gratefulness. Justice was done.

Now I’d like to take you through the symbolic dimension of this entire occurrence.

The news about Bennett forming a government with the left wing and Arab parties emerged last year, in the week in which we read in synagogues the Korach portion. As you remember, every week we read in synagogues a different part of the Torah, and in that week, a year ago, it was the story about Korach. In the portion, the Torah tells of Korach, who wanted to oust Moses from power and be the leader himself, even though he didn’t have a wide public support or G-d’s approval to be the leader. But he wanted. So he organized a group of rebels and they talked against Moses, demanding to be the leaders of the people. Moses told them that G-d is the one who chooses the leader and that G-d will show His will. And then – the land under the feet of Korach and his group opened, and swallowed them alive. In this way, G-d showed His will and Moses continued to be the leader. This is the Torah portion we were reading on the week in which Benett and his group decided to take power. 

As if to accentuate this symbolism, in that same week in which Bennett signed agreements that allowed him to take power, the land in front of the Sha’arei Tzedek hospital in Jerusalem opened and swallowed a few parking cars (if it is too hard to believe, you can see the news from that time here: https://m.ynet.co.il/articles/BJc11eto9u). Thankfully, no one was hurt, but the symbolism didn’t escape me: In the same week in which Bennett was trying to unethically and undemocratically take power, we were reading the Korach portion and the land opened and swallowed some people’s expensive possessions. This is not a normal occurrence and I don’t remember it ever happening before. Interestingly, the name of the place, Sha’arei Tzedek, means gates of righteousness, or more literally: “Gates of Justice”. It is taken from Psalm 118: "פתחו לי שערי צדק, אבוא בם אודה יה". I knew at that time, that justice will be done and that I will be thanking Hashem.

And indeed, justice was done. This week.

This week, only one year later, again on the same week in which we read the Korach portion in synagogues (!!!), Bennett stated that his government cannot function anymore and that he resigns from power. The gates indeed opened and justice was indeed done! Now we are thanking Hashem profusely for doing something so great for us and showing His will in such a dramatic way! 

G-d speaks to us through reality. We only have to open our eyes, ears and hearts – and listen.

Thank you for reading this and I’ll be thankful if you reread and ponder this. G-d speaks to us through reality!

This is going to be a very happy, relaxed, joyful shabbat!

Shabbat shalom!  

Choices

Unlike animals, human beings can choose, consciously choose, and at the end of the day, we are the sum of our choices. Each of us has a dark side and the potential to do harm. This is not a bad thing. This is for our best. Since we are capable of behaving wrong and harming others - if we choose not to do that, it is to our merit. The more we choose to do good, the better people we are, and the existence of our dark side doesn't make us bad people. It makes us excellent people if we choose to do good even though we have evil inclinations.

One more idea, taken from the Torah: If we choose to do bad, the first time it may seem like a bid deal to us and we would be ashamed or disgusted of ourselves. But the next time we want to do this specific sin, it would already be easier to do so, we would have less pangs of conscience. And the next time - even less pangs of conscience. This means that our choices actually SHAPE us. Each choice we make, modifies us, affects us, changes who we are, how we see the world and how we act in it. A person who does good acts, would also find it more attractive to do more good acts. Each good choice we make shapes our identity, shapes what we think of ourselves, and this perception then affects our next choices.

Of course, a person can do true repentance and return to G-d with their whole heart, but it gets harder and harder the more steeped you are in evil. This is why, in Judaism, if a sinner repents with all their heart, they are on a higher status than someone who has always been righteous. Why? Because their journey back to G-d was much harder, improbable and arduous. They had to walk huge mental and spiritual distances, against their own nature (and what has become of their nature due to wrong choices) to return to G-d. If they managed to do this journey back, it means that they truly wanted to repent, and it places them higher than most other people. This way, even their past sins work in their favor. And as the prophet said - if your sins will be as red as scarlet, they will turn as white as snow.  

In sum, all of us have the potential to do good and to to bad. Having evil inclinations does not make us bad people. All people have such inclinations. What decides who we are is not our bad potential, but what we do with it. Our choices shape us, and we have to choose carefully. If we choose wrong, it strengthens our evil inclination. If we do good, it strengthens are good inclination. Let us choose wisely. 

Shavua tov.

Just a bad dream?

When I was a student on Mt. Scopus, I remember that one day I went to bed in the dorms and had a dream. A very bad dream. In the dream, the Arab population living in Israel was rising against us. They were attacking us mercilessly and they became stronger than us. They were throwing stones and rocks at us and killing us with every means they had. In the scene I was viewing, I was hiding behind a public trash can on the seam between Mt. Scopus and the French Hill, and saw destruction all around, and I knew that I was one of the last few in my country to survive. I remember thinking to myself with alarm: "They are killing all of us". 

It was such a REAL dream, and in my heart it felt as if this was not just a bad dream. It felt more like a projection of the future. In the years that have passed since, I recalled this dream from time to time and noted to myself that it hasn't yet came true and that it was probably just a bad dream. But now - now I feel like the situation is getting so bad, that it feels like the beginning of the nightmare that my dream depicted. 

There is a heavy feeling in my heart. In the past month or so, 18 people were murdered by Muslims in Israel. The last 3 were murdered with axes, one of them in front of his 6 year old boy... how cruel can human beings be. This is just so horrible. Every day there is another attack, sometimes they succeed in killing and sometimes they fail, but we are under constant attack, and I don't think that the world is aware of this. It is so sad. 

Vacuum in the spiritual interpersonal realm

For the past month or so I've been feeling deserted, like someone very close to me is no longer with me. It is strange how you can feel such things through the spiritual realm.  

I dreamed about this person a week or so ago - I was in the home of mutual friends of ours, a couple that I used to like a lot, but haven't seen in many, many years. I didn't know that the person was there. I then saw that person sitting in another room, in front of a laptop computer, facing the wall. I wanted to stay there, but I felt that the right thing to do, unfortunately, was to leave, so as not to make them feel uncomfortable or cause them embarrassment or anguish. 

Omicron

 After three vaccines, the third one only three months ago - I finally got the Corona virus, the Omicron variant. It was a shock. I felt like I had a cold - but just to protect people around me wherever I go, I did the test, expecting it to be negative, thinking it was only a cold. However, it wasn't just a cold. FYI, the first symptoms are voice related - the voice starts to sound strange, heavier, coarser. Then the throat starts to be sore, then you feel cold and weak, and when you're already in bed for a few days - headaches appear. It takes longer than a regular cold to go away. I still have it and it's been 8 days already. 

When I went to do the test - I didn't want to go by public transportation, because then I would infect everyone on the bus. I didn't want to take a taxi either, because if I am positive to the virus, the driver would have to lose days of work and stay in quarantine after that, because of me. My only other option was to walk. The nearest testing station is one hour away from here by foot. So I walked one hour until I got there. I was weak and I was walking relatively slowly, going through some Arab neighborhoods on the way. It amuses me how they are always surprised to see a Jewish person on their streets. I'm probably one of the few who walk there. 

After I did the test, I then waited for 45 or so minutes there, to find out whether I was positive or negative. They send you the answer as an SMS message on your phone, but because I didn't want to walk back for another hour if I didn't have to, I wanted to first get the results - If I were negative, I would take the light-rail or the bus back, or even a taxi. If I were positive - then I'll have to walk back the whole way again. And this is exactly what  happened. After 45 minutes or so of waiting, I got a text message on my phone - the results of the test were that I am positive to the Corona virus... It changed all of my plans for the next 10 days, because now I was obligated by law to stay in quarantine... And so, weaker than before, I started walking the one hour back home, knowing that I won't see the outside for at least 10 days... (now they changed it to 7, but they may change it back). 

A day or so later I got a message from the police on my phone. They sent me a link and asked for my permission to monitor my geographical location, to make sure I'm in quarantine and don't go out and about. Otherwise, they said, they will have to patrol the area where I live to make sure I'm staying indoors. Funny, because if they did that to me, they would have to patrol 25% of the population of Israel that is now infected with the virus, despite 3 vaccines... I OK'ed their request, and now they are monitoring my whereabouts. I feel important... 

I'm too weak to write, and when my hands are out of the blanket, it makes me colder. Every little thing is an effort, so I'll stop here. 

Just wanted to share this. 

Stay well...!