In the field...

So my day of work in the fields near Gaza is over. It was a nice, interesting experience, but the best part of it was when I went off the bus tonight and found myself in Jerusalem. Oh, the air here - I need it like oxygen. The air here is like the air in no other place. I felt embraced by a Presence, and thanked Hashem in my heart for the huge privilege to be living here, however partial and lacking this 'life' is. It is funny. On my way to the south, I told myself that if I like it, perhaps I can even stay there for several days, perhaps even weeks or months. But after just one day, coming back here to my holy, beautiful city, makes me feel like it is not a good idea to leave it. Not even for volunteering in the south. So now I am already after shower, drinking hot tea and eating dates and nuts. Yummy. Grateful!

I woke up before 6 am, said my morning prayers, ate some pita bread with hummus and went out with the farmer to the field. He said that the houses we see a couple of km away are the houses of Kibbutz Be'eri... We were the first in the field, with one Thai worker. Later another Thai worker came. So now I know that not all of the Thai workers left. Most of them did, but not all of them. This specific farmer used to have 9 or 10 Thais, but now he has only 3. In the nearby moshav the Arabs butchered 16 Thai workers, not 40 as I wrote last time. Still, 16 people who are not even Jewish and who have nothing to do with the reasons Arabs hate us, and they pay with their lives... I feel so sorry for their families. 

Anyway, we picked celery today, not beets. I took off my shoes and worked barefoot the whole day, enjoying the feel of the wet soil under my feet. It is very healthy! We worked for 8 hours. There was no toilet there, so I made an effort to drink very little water, so as not to need the bathroom. I'm a heavy drinker of water. Every morning I drink one litter or more. It was hard not to drink, but I was too busy to think about it.

Later, 4 more volunteers joined us, all older than me: one university professor (national religious man), his friend, and two foreign ladies, one of them came especially from Europe for a week to volunteer in Israel. There was some nice chit-chat between us as we were working, and some times of quiet when each was focused on the work and on their inner world. We each received a knife and taught how to cut and clean. Of course (of course!) I cut my hands several times. If I ever volunteer in fields again, I should remember to take gloves. I was bleeding, but the wounds were very superficial, so not a lot of blood. Anyway, I let two drops of my blood fall to the earth. I thought that it is a symbolic act - in the region where blood was spilled in a cruel, barbaric way by the Arabs, the soil gets two drops of blood from the exact opposite pole - as a result of a charitable act, an act whose purpose is to help and build, not to murder and destroy. 

We didn't hear the news for the whole day, but we didn't have to. The news were audible from nearby Gaza. I knew there was supposed to be a ceasefire around 10 am, but the bombing continued. We learned to ignore the booms.  

We were supposed to stop working after 6 hours, but I felt I wanted to work more, because I don't know if and when the next time would be. After 8 hours, my hands were black with mud, even under the fingernails. It took a lot of water to partially clean it, and then some soap. My feet were covered with mud. My clothes were covered with mud. I felt I couldn't go back to "civilization" like this. I took a shower in the family's house,  changed my clothes, ate another pita, drank some tea, fell asleep exhausted beyond measure on their sofa (again, no one was in the house...) until their son came to take me to the nearby city, to the bus going to Jerusalem. 

So glad to be home. And yes, we did a lot of work and this makes me happy too. 

5 kms from the border

 I'm sitting now in a big, beautiful house in a Moshav around 5 kms from the border with the Gaza strip. I "landed" here about 40 minutes ago. I took the bus from Jerusalem, and a family from this Moshav came to take me from there. This family's next-door neighbors and good friends need volunteers to work in agriculture. I saw the ad they posted, answered it, and decided to come here for one day, tomorrow. Since they start working in the fields very early, and the first bus from Jerusalem will only bring me here 3 hours later than the start of work, I decided to come here tonight, sleep here and start working with them in the fields early, at the same time they do. 

Their neighbors brought me to their house, but the house is empty, no body is here. Their door was open. Their neighbors pleaded me to stay with them until the farmer's family is back, but I really prefer being here, relaxing, reading some and writing. It is very late in the evening (11 pm as I write these lines) and I know they must be very tired. I don't want to burden them. 

The farmer is asking for volunteers, because all of their Thai workers, who used to work in the fields here, fled. The reason is the Simchat Torah massacre, of course. In the nearby Moshav, just 2 kms away from here, the Arabs from Gaza butchered around 40 Thai workers, so no foreign worker wants to work here. But if the farmers here lose their farms, they won't be able to stay here, therefore it is very important to help them. It is my first time. Many Israelis have done this many days already since the massacre. I'll see how it goes and see whether I can do it again or not. The last time I volunteered in agriculture was at the age of 16 and 17, in a kibbutz near Eilat, where I picked mangoes and worked in the dairy industry. It would be nice to experience it again, this time as an adult. 

Just as we arrived in the Moshav, the farmer's neighbors, who were bringing me here, asked me in to their home. A nice family. They pleaded me to stay with them, but I really preferred to let them be, let them rest. So they walked me to the farmer's house. And the farmer is not here. The  house is empty... As they were walking me to the farmer's house, I heard a big "boom". They seemed to not hear it. Then there was an even bigger "boom". I asked them in alarm what it is. They said off handedly, "Oh, that?", as if they didn't even notice it. "Don't worry about it. This is the IDF bombing, don't worry". I asked, "but you hear it so loudly from here?", and they replied: "yes, we are just 5 kms from the border". 

So now I'm sitting in the farmer's house. His daughter called me to say that they will be back late. Their neighbor showed me my room in the house (sort of a separate unit), but I prefer to sit in the livingroom and write. Such a nice house. As I write, I hear those big "booms" again and again, and every time, the window glasses here shake fiercely. But since it's been almost an hour that I'm here, I noticed that I notice them less and less now. I learn to ignore them. Soon I won't even "hear" them. 

In the couch next to me there is a book, "A Jewish Community in Gaza", "קהילה יהודית בעזה", a book released in 2020 by Hagai Hobermann. I really want to read it. It details the history of Jewish presence and life in Gaza. Our soldiers found a Torah scroll in Gaza, that was passed down the generations in one of the families there. I'm not sure what was the history of that Torah scroll. But there was a big Jewish community in Gaza until the massacres and pogroms of 1929, and it stayed there ever since, I believe. 

Anyway, I'll go to sleep, I have a hard work day tomorrow, in the fields, picking beets :)

I'll update here later how it went. 

Pray for us. 

Changes

The university, in which up until Oct. 7th the walls were covered with signs and ads against the government (and against 60% of our nation), is now empty. The library was closed for a long time, but they reopened it, partially, last week or so. So I go there once every few days. I'm amazed at how now, instead of those inciting signs, the university is covered with flags, Israel flags. It is so moving to see. The flags are hanging on windows, on doors, on ad boards, really everywhere. I only hope that this spirit will continue even when the students return, when the school year starts. 

Because of the war, they postponed the beginning of the school year 3 times already, every time in a few more weeks. Now they're thinking of canceling the first semester and having a summer semester instead. The reason? So many of the students (and also some of the teachers) are now soldiers fighting in Gaza. 

I'm not directly related to the university now. I can go in because I once studied and taught there. And for me it is home. I like it when the campus is almost empty and that I can sit quietly at the library and study or work or look out the big windows at the views of Jerusalem and dream. I like walking the corridors. Souls from the past are still there in so many ways, and when I'm there, I feel like I'm coming home. I feel like I myself am almost like ghost, walking there, looking for my younger self there, perhaps wanting to help her, direct and guide her. But she is not there, neither is the soul whose presence I feel everywhere there. She is within me, and so is that soul. But they are not there in body. Wouldn't it have been nice if we could go back in time just as we can go back in space to places that were meaningful to us and either change things or just watch or experience some scenes over and over again?

Anyway, regardless of this, I felt at home in that campus the first time I ever set foot there, many years ago. It felt like home from the first moment. Why? Who knows? There is something so special there, so lofty and spiritual. It is ironic, because the lecturers and most of the students are as far as can be from spiritual life. So it is not about them. It is about the place. It feels as if there is something holy there. Something peaceful, beautiful, mysterious. What is it? Why is it? I have no idea. But I was attracted to it since the first time I went there. 

It started raining a couple of hours ago, very heavy rain, strong winds. I love this weather. It is the closest to home I can feel. There's nothing better than sitting at home with a hot cup of tea, secure from the elements, and hearing the sounds of winter outside. I love it. And again. So many reminders of our hostages and soldiers. Do they have this luxury? I thank every soldier out there who fights so that I and all the others (minus the 240 hostages and 1400 victims of murder) will be able to have a warm cup of tea at our homes. 

I'll pray for them and read the Psalms for them later tonight, Bli neder. 

Some additional thoughts

זמר נוגה

מילים: רחל

לחן: שמוליק קראוס

הֲתִשְׁמַע קוֹלִי, רְחוֹקִי שֶׁלִּי,
הֲתִשְׁמַע קוֹלִי, בַּאֲשֶׁר הִנְּךָ –
קוֹל קוֹרֵא בְּעֹז, קוֹל בּוֹכֶה בִּדְמִי
וּמֵעַל לַזְּמַן מְצַוֶּה בְּרָכָה?

תֵּבֵל זוֹ רַבָּה וּדְרָכִים בָּה רָב.
נִפְגָּשׁוֹת לְדַק, נִפְרָדוֹת לָעַד.
מְבַקֵּשׁ אָדָם, אַךְ כּוֹשְׁלוֹת רַגְלָיו,
לֹא יוּכַל לִמְצֹא אֶת אֲשֶׁר אָבַד.

אַחֲרוֹן יָמַי כְּבָר קָרוֹב אוּלַי,
כְּבָר קָרוֹב הַיּוֹם שֶׁל דִּמְעוֹת פְּרִידָה,
אֲחַכֶּה לְךָ עַד יִכְבּוּ חַיַּי,
כְּחַכּוֹת רָחֵל לְדוֹדָהּ.

Kislev and guilt

So today is the beginning of a new month, the month of Kislev. It is a month during which we expect rain, it is a month in which we expect more light. The festival of Hannukah takes place in Kislev.

Now, just as I'm writing these lines, rain has started falling. It makes me happy. Rain feels like home to me. There is nothing better in the world than to be sitting at home, with a cup of hot tea in the hand, a book (or a computer to write on) in hand, and the sounds and sights of rain falling all around. I thank Hashem for the rain. We've been praying for it. We don't want the rain to fall on our soldiers in the south, only where they are not situated, but I think it falls also in the "Gaza envelope". 

I've realized that for the past month or so, since Oct. 7th, since Simchat Torah, my body tells me that I'm affected by the situation more than my mind would confess. Innocent objects that I see on the street make my heart miss a beat and when I think of this physical reaction, I realize it is because these objects remind me of things from that day. For example, seeing a young Haredi man riding an electric bicycle caused this reaction in me. A second later I realized that this image reminded me of the terrorists on motorcycles, taking civilians of all ages hostages into Gaza. A white tender gives me the same reaction, for the same reasons. Today I was riding home on the light rail, and saw a shade above a play ground. The shade reminded me of the tent that was in that crazy party near Kibbutz Re'im, and made my heart miss a beat. Many things like this still happen and I realize that the trauma is still there. My mind is already thinking forward, but my body reminds me that the trauma is still inside of me. Probably for a long time from now on as well. 

I feel guilty. Why was I spared. After all, it could have been anyone of us. Why am I alive when young children, babies and people in their early 20's are either dead, injured or kidnapped, G-d forbid. I feel guilty because I feel I don't do enough. I don't fight in the battle field, while young soldiers barely 20 years old lose their young lives there. I feel guilty because I don't do enough volunteering. I try. But whenever a message is posted that they need volunteers for this or for that, and I answer, they say they're already full. People are volunteering in masses, and there's no more need in more hands. I feel guilty because recently I started listening to music again. I didn't for a long while after the mass massacre. I couldn't. And now I suddenly find myself listening to music, while the dead bodies of those who were murdered slowly decay in their graves. I feel guilty because I feel anger at those brethren of mine, Jews, Israeli citizens like myself, who oppose a Jewish identity for my country and instead want it to be another nation like all other nations. I am furious at them at the same time that my heart is breaking for them. I pray for them. Am I doing enough? I want to live to be 120 and serve G-d. I hope it will happen. 

I feel guilty because I find a voice in me, who tells those who speak the language of "peace" (the kind of "peace" that means giving away our lands to another nation) - "now you see? now you realize the truth?". A lady, one of the activists of such organizations working for this kind of submissive "peace", was found dead today. Until now they thought she was captive in Gaza, but today they managed to identify her body, more than one month after her death by the hands of those to whom she wanted to give our sacred lands. I feel guilty for telling her in my heart, "Are these the people you wanted to give our lands to?". I want peace, more than anything else. I pray for peace. But peace should be for peace, not for giving away our G-d given land. 

And if you think that Gaza is not included in the area that G-d has given us, think again. This week's portion is that of Toldot. In it we read how Isaac goes down to the area of Gerar, where the Philistine king, Avimelech, lives. It is more or less the area near Gaza. G-d is revealed to Isaac and tells him: "גּוּר בָּאָרֶץ הַזֹּאת וְאֶהְיֶה עִמְּךָ וַאֲבָרְכֶךָּ כִּי לְךָ וּלְזַרְעֲךָ אֶתֵּן אֶת כָּל הָאֲרָצֹת הָאֵל וַהֲקִמֹתִי אֶת הַשְּׁבֻעָה אֲשֶׁר נִשְׁבַּעְתִּי לְאַבְרָהָם אָבִיךָ. In English: "Sojourn in this land, and I will be with you and will bless you, for to you and to your offspring I will give all these lands, and I will establish the oath that I swore to Abraham your father." (Genesis 26: 3). We are not entitled to give away any lands to other nations, and especially not to our enemies. 

I don't feel guilty for what the IDF is doing in Gaza now. It is clearing the northern part of the Gaza strip. It allows a humanitarian corridor and pleads civilians to pass through it and go to the south. Hamas makes it difficult for them to actually go south. I feel sorry for them, but the guilt is on Hamas. We have no other choice. We don't want another massacre. Plus, many of them support Hamas and celebrate their "success" in massacring Jews. They teach their children to hate, to want to be murderers. I feel sorry for these children, but the terrorists who performed the horrible massacre, who killed, wounded, raped, took hostages, were themselves kids just 20 years ago. We felt sorry for them back then, we tried to spare their lives when we fought in Gaza, and the cost is now the lives of our children, women, soldiers, and elderly people, those who constantly chant "peace, peace"... 

 I feel guilty for not thanking G-d enough for the beautiful land He has given us and for all the incredible miracles He has performed for us. I love Hashem more than anything in the world. He is my rock and my shelter, my best friend. He knows me much better than I know myself. 

I'll write more.

October 7th - some more...

The massacre of October 7th was not the end of it. It was just the beginning. There is a war now, and soldiers give their lives for the war effort. It is tragic that such fine, young lives are lost. More and more families join the circle of bereavement. But that's not the end of it. We get missiles from the south and from the north. People are evacuated from these areas and are currently lodged in hotels in Jerusalem and other areas on the government's expense. It is 'funny' (however inadequate this word is) to see 5 star luxurious hotels with many dogs in the lobby (yes, the people who were evacuated brought their pets with them, obviously). These people are lodged in very expensive hotels, for free - they are being fed hotel food three times a day. The hotels bring them lecturers, singers and other performers to entertain them. And still, they are uncomfortable. All they want is to go back home. One can understand. It's been 5 weeks already that they've been in hotels. It may be nice for a couple of days, but when it lingers on and on with no specific date in which it is to end, it becomes difficult. 

There are many volunteering intiatives all over Israeli society. People volunteer for everything. Because of the situation, the Thai and Chinese workers, who worked in the fields in Israel, ran away from Israel, and the farmers were left without working hands. Many Israelis from all ages and backgrounds now volunteer to work in the fields. It's been 5 weeks, and there are so many volunteers still. Others volunteer to work with the children of the evacuees from the south, who lodge in hotels. They volunteer to play with them, to teach them, to entertain them. Still others volunteer to organize sweets and snacks and fancy foods and bring it to the soldiers. In the supermarkets there are carts with a sign saying "everything you put here will go to our soldiers in the south" and people leave dry foods there before they exit the supermarket. There were even volunteers to bring the pets who were left over in the south to their owners in hotels in Jerusalem and other parts of the country. One sweet initiative was to get guitars from civilians and send them to army bases in the south. Over 20 years ago, friends of a friend of mine, a couple with a baby, gave me their guitar before leaving Israel for their country. I had the guitar with me ever since. But I felt that a better use for it would be to donate it to the soldiers in the south, and so I did. It feels great to know that it now brings joy and increases the morale of our soldiers down south. 

I feel like I want to do more, to be more meaningful. I can't go south and fight. But I read the Psalms a lot. Many Psalms seem to speak of our situation, especially 83, but not only. Sometimes I feel like this is the beginning of something much larger. I hope it isn't. The prophets speak about the Gog and Magog war, and the more I learn about it, the more I realize Magog may be Russia. They say that Putin was involved in planning and orchestrating the deadly attack on Israel in the south, but I don't know it for a fact. Time will tell, perhaps. Anyway, it is obvious that Iran is involved in the planning, so in this sense, the beginning of this war may be considered to be in the north... 

There is so much antisemitism world-wide. Strange. If such a massacre had happened in London or Paris from a nearby town, they would have done what needs to be done and the world would have said nothing. When Israel is involved, the standards of judgement shift radically. Hypocrisy at its best. But it is exactly such situations that serve as "tests", to see for every person where their heart is, if it is in the right place, or the wrong place. In a way people who judge us unfavorably in our times of trouble, bring judgement upon themselves. This is a time of a big test for all of humanity.

antisemitism - beirur

Gog? Putin?

October 7th - part 2

On that day I was watching a baby at a hospital. His parents wanted to celebrate shabbat/holiday with their other children, and they needed someone to watch him while they were away. The baby has a very beautiful, but untypical name: Be'eri. It is an uncommon name. 

Shabbat morning I woke up to the sound of a siren. The first thought was, oh, it is probably a mistake, some problem with the siren system. Then someone from an adjacent room shouted: It is an alarm siren (אזעקה עולה ויורדת)! We were all surprised. After saying my morning prayers, I took the baby to my lap and we sat together, as an unrelenting sequence of sirens sounded. I felt serene and peaceful. I was not afraid. And then we heard a big boom, and the glass windows shook. And then another big boom. It was strong and felt very close. Still, I told myself that Hashem is watching - if He wants me to be hurt, I will be. If He doesn't, I will be safe. I gave myself to Him and His will. I listened to the instructions of the hospital staff. Very ironically, most of them were Arab nurses. The male nurse in charge of my room told me that I can go into the safe room. I declined. He excused himself and went into the safe room himself. The next time a siren sounded, it was the same scenario - he came and said I should go to the safe room. But what about the baby, I asked (the baby was connected to a breathing machine and I couldn't take him with me). The nurse went away to consult the staff, then returned and said that they will bring all the patients into the safe room as well. So we all gathered in the crowded safe room, for hours and hours until the end of Shabbat. 

Since I don't use my phone on Shabbat, I had no idea what was going on, but from what the nurse told me, I realized it was something different than usual. Still, I had no idea just how much so. Another nurse, a Jewish lady, was obviously heart broken. She said she didn't want to ruin my Shabbat, so she'll tell me when Shabbat was over. I had no idea what was going on. It was horrible beyond description. Unbelievable atrocities that no human being could ever accept. 

Later, when I learned more of what had happened, I realized that one of the kibbutzim that was ruined was... Be'eri. An interesting coincidence. What was Hashem trying to tell me then? Just as the kibbutz by that name was being destroyed and its inhabitants, including its babies, were murdered, I was watching a baby by the same unusual, rare name, cradling him in my arms, in Jerusalem. I still wonder what the message was, if any. 

Kfar Aza is another kibbutz that was ruined by the murderous Ishmaelites from Gaza. As a 9 year old child, I visited that kibbutz once. I remember it as a beautiful paradise, very green, blooming, sweet, warm place. That kibbutz remained in my memory as a charming, magical place. I always wanted to visit there again, this time as an adult, but haven't. And now it is destroyed. 

It was so ironic to be surrounded by Arab nurses as that was unfolding, and a baby named Be'eri in my arms... The Arabs in the South were murdering babies in Kibbutz Be'eri, and the Arabs around me were taking care of little Be'eri. And I myself am a native of that part of Israel, in the south. The community where I grew up is a mere 14 km away from Gaza... and it still feels like home to me. I'm attracted to that part of Israel. 

After Shabbat was over and the horror became known to me, I felt I wasn't ready to go out to the empty streets and experience the shock. So I stayed one more night at the hospital, with the baby, to his mother's relief. I left only Sunday early afternoon, when another volunteer came to replace me. 

The streets were almost completely empty. The stores were closed. There were very few buses running. There was a mournful silence everywhere. The pain was immense. It felt as if Hashem was hiding His face from us and it was scary. I myself felt engulfed by Him, even on that Shabbat as the sirens were going off and the booms were sounding. This is why I felt no fear. But when I found out what happened, my heart was shuttered and my sense of reality changed. I felt like we were in danger of losing our country, G-d forbid. 

I suddenly realized in a very visceral way how grateful I was for having this country, and for every day of quiet and safety that Hashem has given us. I was praying fervently that Hashem should redeem us and shine His light upon us once again. What triggered the attack was His fury, and I think many of us here in Israel agree as to why, as to what triggered his fury - a year of baseless hatred to Judaism, to Torah, to religious Jews of all kinds and types. But it made all of us realize in a very real way how every day we survive here, in this Arab region of the world (the Middle East), is a big miracle. I knew it before, of course, but this time I felt it in a very personal way. 

The horror also reminded me of a nocturnal dream that I had had as a student in the dorms. I think I wrote about it here some time long ago. It was a dream I still remember very well. The Arabs living in Israel (not in Gaza) were attacking us from every corner, putting everything to ruins, and I was thinking to myself in alarm, as I was hiding behind a paper recycling bin (or was it a big trash bin?) "they are all over us" (הם עולים עלינו!). I still remember seeing someone around 30 or 40 meters in front of me shouting, running and throwing a block as I was hiding. I think I was one of the only survivors in that dream, which felt so real. I really pray it won't come to that. Israel is a dream country, a dream land, such a beautiful, special place. It would be a cruel tragedy if the forces of destruction will put it to ruins. I believe the kibbutzim in the south will be rebuilt and made even prettier than they were, if prettier is even possible. I think the original population will not want to live there. They suffered tragedy and they are not ideologically motivated enough (they are the kind of people who believe in giving away land for peace - the kind of people who were happy when the disengagement plan from Gaza was executed). I think that the people who will live there now will be national religious young families, who believe in our right to inherit this land. They are ideologically motivated. 

I want to be engaged in my research, but listening to the radio or tv news on my computer takes up a lot of my time now. I feel a need to hear the stories, to watch the people who survived talking. 

A friend from abroad sent me a gruesome video with graphic pictures from the massacre. This was what the title of the video link said. I didn't open it. I couldn't. Just the thought that such images are now all over the world and that people satiate their curiosity with them... It is disheartening. 

I have a lot more to say, but maybe later.