Yom Yerushalaim

It seems like Israel is slowly but surely going out of the coronavirus crisis. Very few new carriers are found every day, and the numbers of people dependent on breathing machines is dramatically dropping. Only 13 new carriers of the virus were discovered yesterday, and life is resuming.
Yesterday I went to the city for the first time since the coronavirus pandemic began. It was strange to use public transportation again. Of course, almost everyone was wearing a mask, but still, there was crowdedness in the light rail, and therefore a feeling that life is getting back to normal. Baruch HaShem. It is such a good feeling. I wonder if people are going to take any moral lesson for their lives from what we've been through. I have the feeling that only few will. Most people are not the thinking types. They live their life on an 'automatic gear' and seek to escape from reality to different kinds of entertainment. I'm still trying to figure out what it is that I myself learned from this period of time. Perhaps that sometimes the biggest charity one can do - is not to do anything, to stay home, to not cause damage by doing, and this was my lesson. I stopped all of my regular activities and found that I can be charitable also by not doing anything. I also learned that times like this are like a litmus test - putting people in tests while they are not aware, and it is a chance to see who the people around you are really are. I witnessed how a very rich person was trying to take advantage of the situation in order to rob a poor person who worked for her of their salary, even though there was no justification for it. I'm sure many people around the world witnessed such human and moral failures. It was anthropologically, ethically and psychologically interesting. I also found that I passed such a test with flying colors - I could have taken advantage of my government to get money from them, legally, but since I felt there was no justification for it, I didn't even try, and when they contacted me several times by different means and told me that I can get the money I 'deserve', I refused. This was my test, and I'm so so happy that I could pass it. I feel very happy and content with it. I feel very disappointed with people who agreed to take advantage of the government in such a time of crisis, but I guess one of the purposes of the coronavirus pandemic was to serve as a social, ethical and moral test as well.

We are having some VERY HOT days. For a week, the temperature in Jerusalem was around 37-38 degrees. It made it hard to walk with masks on, and the government canceled the requirement to wear masks. Even so, most people still wore them. I wore them, but not when I was jogging out. My apartment is very hot because it has ceiling windows and the sun shines directly in, so I had to turn on the air conditioning and it helped me a lot. Baruch HaShem there are air conditioning in the world, and that there is one in my place.

My hair has grown so much during the past two months, and now in this heat I really want to cut it short. People who haven't seen me for a while and suddenly saw me were shocked. I had a short hair and now it is below my shoulders. I forgot how I look with long hair. I really want to cut it again, but I'm restraining myself. My goal is to manage to grow another "braid" - to let my hair grow to such a length that I will have at least 30 cm to spare, to be able to braid it into one long braid and donate it again. I did it five years ago and since then I kept it short, but every time I cut it, I felt pangs of regret that if I cut it, I won't be able to donate my hair again, but very gratefully, it is growing really fast now (I prayed that it would and it suddenly started growing really fast), and I believe that in one year from now I will have the necessary length to be able to donate it to the Zichron Menachem charity organization again. It would make me very happy to be able to do that.

Yesterday was Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day, in which we commemorate the reunification of Jerusalem at the end of the miraculous 1967 six-day war. No words can capture the miracle and the sanctification of G-d's name that occurred as a result of this miracle, but I already wrote about it in the past, so no need to repeat myself here. I'm glad that I could really celebrate Yom Yerushalayim, even though I had no plans of doing this in these times of coronavirus. The way it went is that at the beginning of the week I got a surprise WhatsApp message on my phone from a Japanese acquaintance of mine, from whom I haven't heard in over 3 years. She told me that she is in Jerusalem and we started chatting. She then told me that she watched the famous, lovely SHTISEL tv-series on Netflix, and loved it. She had many questions about the show and about Jews, and I invited her to ask. She did. I answered her questions and then she said that she has two other friends here in Jerusalem who want to ask questions too, because they liked that show very much. So we made plans to meet in the city. We scheduled it to Thursday night (yesterday) and met. After we finished, I was walking towards the light rail to go home, but there was something so special in the air, and I just couldn't go home. Something pulled me to the Kotel, to the Western Wall. I walked there, not knowing if I would be allowed in, because of the coronavirus. But surprisingly, they let me in. The area in front of the wall is divided into cubicles now, and in every cubicle they can have something like 15 people only, with masks. There was a line of women waiting, and I waited with them, but my turn came pretty quickly, and I even merited to go further deep to the stones and touch them. It was such a wonderful strange feeling to be in this place after such a long time. I felt so grateful and it was hard for me to pray with words. All I wanted to do was breathe the special air around this place and thank G-d by being happy. And I did. And, of course, memories of a special visit to the Kotel many many years ago flooded me and are still affecting me, with tears involuntarily rolling down my cheeks from time to time. I hate it when it happens, but I have very little control over it. I hope that on Shabbat I'll be able to balance myself against it. So thanks to those Japanese people, I merited to visit the Kotel and celebrate Yom Yerushalayim there.

I didn't know how the meeting with them would be because I haven't spoken their language in a long time, but it went well. We sat and talked for 2.5 hours, almost 3 hours, and towards the end I felt like my brain used up all of its glucose and I started speaking in a less fluent way, but for most of the time it was OK and I truly enjoyed every moment of it. These three people (my acquaintance and the couple) are completely secular, they come from buddhist/shintoist families, no relation to the Bible whatsoever, so it was a double challenge. I find that it is much easier to talk with Christians, because at least they have read the bible, but these people never have. We started by talking about the kind of job I'm doing, and theirs, which was very interesting, and then moved to talk about Shtisel and all the questions they had about it (they loved the show - and they saw it on Netflix with Japanese subtitles which was shocking to me that this series has subtitles in Japanese), and then we started talking about Judaism, the bible, the miracle of the survival of Israel as a nation in diaspora, the miracle of our return and prosperity in our promised land, and the incredible fact that all of this was prophesied in the Torah and in the Prophets. I hope it made some impression on them, but at the moment I have no way of knowing. They were very grateful and very attentive to every word I said, but will it change anything in their view of life? I have no idea. All three are pro-Palestinian, pro-Arab and therefore anti-Israel. We didn't talk politics at all, only culture, faith, religion - and I hope that something in them will change for the best following this. They said that they want us to schedule another time to walk in the Me'ah She'arim neighborhood and tour it together. That would be nice. All I want is for them to start believing in G-d. Israel doesn't need their support and we don't want to convert them to Judaism. All I want is to help them recognize G-d in their lives. That's it. I told them that G-d is everyone's G-d, not just ours, that he created all of us and lovingly watches all of us and supports us from above. It is the concept of personal providence or 'setsuri'. I also talked with them a lot about the importance of performing charitable deeds, to make this world a better place, and a few minutes later, G-d sent them a chance to experience it. Someone came and asked one of them (the guy) to help him carry a heavy box. He did, and that was such a nice divine exclamation mark on all of our discourse. You can never know how these things go. You plant a seed - the seed may dry and die or it may be irrigated and nourished, and then sprout and grow to become a wonderful fruit-bearing tree. I really think that the reason G-d gave me the ability to learn languages is to use them in such a way as well.

Anyway, time to say Shabbat Shalom, I still have some preparations to do!
Have a peaceful, restful weekend!
R.

Out, at last

The radio announced that there have been only 13 new cases of infection with the Coronavirus in the past day, which means that the situation has improved tremendously and I hope it will continue to be so until a final resolution of this problem. The numbers have been low from the beginning of the week, so I finally allowed myself out for a walk, after a month (or two) of locking myself at home and not leaving, unless it was for the supermarket or to throw out the garbage. So Sunday I went on a one-hour morning walk, and yesterday on a 2-hour walk and again this morning I enjoyed a 2-hour long walk in my neighborhood and the adjacent streets. It is so good to be out. The flowers are in full bloom, and in this season the Jasmine flowers give their scent, their sweet, heavenly scent, and I am so happy that I can enjoy it. Everything is so beautiful! Of course, I do not leave the house without a mask. Once I did, without realizing it, but when I realized I was without a mask, I went immediately back home, fetched my mask, and then went out again.
What is surprising to me is that my legs were not weak as I thought they would be after such a prolong time of confinement. It is almost like everything is normal. I hope to be able to continue doing these walks, to energize myself, to have my blood flow freely in my veins.
I recently started eating less cooked food and more raw food - fruit and vegetables. It is such a good feeling. I feel the blood flowing in my body. A few good months ago I tried to change my eating habits to include more meat to give myself the iron I'm in desperate need of, but it didn't last long. I'm not a big meat eater, and you feel so heavy after eating meat. Now I'm eating a lot more fruit and vegetables, and a little piece of white fish occasionally, and I feel so light, and the color has returned to my face again. I look at myself in the mirror and for a split second ask myself when did I paint my lips with rouge, I'm not the type who puts on make up, I hate it. And then a split second later I realize it's my blood that is coloring my face, and since the blood is richer now, my very pale face is no longer that pale. It's a good sign.
So while still cautious, I think I'm slowly going back to life, and so is everyone around me. I'm very proud of most Israelis that they still wear a mask outside. It shows that they care about others and that they are considerate. I am really proud of them.

I really recommend reading the writings of Rabbi Jonathan Sacks. He writes a weekly blog about the weekly Torah Portion, and he has beautiful insights. I recommend reading his old blog posts, not just the new ones. Such jems and pearls of wisdom. Try not to miss any of them. They are not short, but they are worth the reading. I haven't read all of them, but I want to. There are many personality types out there. I'm not sure what's his, but regardless of the personality, I really like what he's writing on the Torah.
Israel is starting to open up after a two-months closure, and the world is back to normal. People are out, shops are open, most people are still walking with masks on their faces, but some do not, which I'm not happy with. Unlike most other people, I'm still trying to close myself at home. I think now that everyone is out is more dangerous than before, and people with a conscious should guard themselves even more. I'm still leaving my little apartment only once every few days. A friend of mind asked if she could come over, and I said that I'll be happy to, but not now. I am not afraid of the virus. If I get it, either I won't feel it at all, or would have a flu. But if I get it, I might give it to someone else who would give it to someone else and down the line someone would lost their lives. I don't want to participate in this 'game'.
One of the things that I'll remember from this time of coronavirus is the beautiful minyan that I saw in my neighborhood - people standing in their balconies and praying together, as if they were in a synagogue. It was so special and I heard them from my apartment. Once or twice I went down, stood in an isolated place, and participated in the prayer with them, from my own improvised women section. It was nice because it showed they really cared to stay home and not infect anyone. I saw other groups who didn't care that much, unfortunately, and it made me both sad and angry.
When I go to the supermarket once every few days, I find myself asking people in the street to put on their mask. There is a new "fashion" here of walking with a mask, but placing it over the chin rather than over the nose and mouth. It is so unfair and inconsiderate. Most people are not doing it, but some do, and when I see someone doing it, if I feel that saying something would help, I tell them, without words. Just looking them in the eyes and pointing at my mask, a signal for them asking: where is yours? It helps in some cases.
An another case, someone on the street saw me with the mask, and a second later put on hers. So you also teach by example. I wish a 100% of the people would be considerate, and not just 95% of them. It is basic. The angel of death is still dancing in the streets, and we have to guard ourselves and each other. I don't like being a disciplinarian, but in days like this, you must be. Down the line it would save someone's lives and health.
I have a feeling that the world hasn't learned much from the pandemic, not for the long-term, anyway. People keep shopping and buying more than they need, as before. Once the airlines will resume activity, people will keep flying too often, escaping from the meaning of their lives. When I pray about the situation, I first pray that people will repent, and then that the pandemic will be over. It seems like it is over, thank G-d, but repentance, if it happens, is not mainstream.
It is a hot day today, it feels like summer is just around the corner. I like all seasons, I love winter, spring, and especially the fall. But summer - I like less. It gets too hot, and you have to protect yourself from the scorching sun. Gladly, in Jerusalem the weather is dry, so there is not the extra burden that comes with high humidity.
During the times of Coronavirus I started learning French. I still don't know much, it is very basic, but because it shares many roots and words in common with English, once you know the basics, you can start reading texts pretty quickly. I've always felt that I need to have a basic knowledge of this language and wanted to learn it, but felt that it would be hard without a teacher. I made up my mind to do it once an old lady who speaks only French needed my help, and I couldn't understand a word of what she was saying. At that moment I decided I have to learn it. There is a great smartphone application for learning any language you want in the world, I learned about it from my students, it's called DuoLingo, and it's fun and efficient. Here is an invitation, if you want to check it out, or you can search for it in your Google Play or Store:
https://invite.duolingo.com/BDHTZTB5CWWKSAEXRX5APJL2NQ

Today is the 2nd Passover. What does it mean? When the first holiday of Passover ever was celebrated, there were people who were ritually impure at the time. They didn't want to miss the chance to celebrate so they demanded of Moses and of G-d to have a second chance. And they got a second chance! This is what they said:
"But there were certain men, who were unclean by the dead body of a man, so that they could not keep the passover on that day; and they came before Moses and before Aaron on that day. And those men said unto him: 'We are unclean by the dead body of a man; wherefore are we to be kept back, so as not to bring the offering of the LORD in its appointed season among the children of Israel?'"
And the answer they got was this: "And the LORD spoke unto Moses, saying: 'Speak unto the children of Israel, saying: If any man of you or of your generations shall be unclean by reason of a dead body, or be in a journey afar off, yet he shall keep the passover unto the LORD; in the second month on the fourteenth day at dusk they shall keep it; they shall eat it with unleavened bread and bitter herbs;they shall leave none of it unto the morning, nor break a bone thereof; according to all the statute of the passover they shall keep it."
They got their second chance, and it is today, exactly one month after the original Passover we celebrated this year. So I ate some Matzah (which I love!) and this Shabbat I will do the blessing over the bread with Matzahs instead of real bread. But these Matzahs are not exactly like the real passover matzahs. They are Kosher, just not Kosher for Passover. They look the same and taste almost the same, but they are considered leavened bread, whereas real Matzah is considered unleavened bread. Anyway, I like both types a lot. The message of this second passover is to tell people that you have a second chance - in many areas of life, even if we blew up our first chance, there is a second chance. We must only be aware of it and claim our right for a second chance. Sometimes it is easier said than done.

Wishing you Shabbat Shalom,
R.

I started writing a few times, even published it, and then reverted it back into draft again. I thought the things that I wrote were too personal and emotional. There are so many things I want to write, but again, they are so personal and I cannot write them here.

For many people, this time of Corona is too difficult and painful. People are sinking into abysses of hopelessness and dark moods. Mostly older people, but also young ones. I'm not sure why, but I think it happens to people who have not built an inner pillar, an inner realm, an inner world, during the years. I remember times in my distant past that I felt like this - but it was because I didn't have enough inner resources to support myself mentally, emotionally, psychologically. Gladly, Thank G-d, Baruch HaShem, I can say that I have a very solid, stable inner world, and it is that world that sustains and supports me in such times. From the time that hardships started hitting the shores of my life, when I was a little girl of 9 years or less, I've been busy trying to find out how I can live and survive in this harsh, cruel world, and to do that - I wasn't only looking out for help (I soon learned that outside help is unreliable and often does more harm than good), I was feverishly looking inside myself and upwards to G-d for help. It wasn't easy. I had no guidance in doing this and I didn't know anyone else who was doing this. For years I was walking in this world with a big knot inside my stomach, an unfathomable lump of pain, fear, shame. The world seemed so dark, threatening and so hopeless. It took years of relentless inner work on myself to pinpoint exactly what I was feeling and why, to broaden my awareness and my consciousness, to heighten my spirituality, in order to start living. I've been living without this emotional lump in my stomach for many years now, and it has helped me survive more than what many people have to endure. So now, in the days of Corona, I do not feel any particular hardship. I lock myself at home as much as I can - not because I'm afraid to get infected with the virus. If I get it - I'll have a flue and recover. I do it because I do not want to be a contaminating agent, making other people get the virus, and then who knows, G-d forbid, someone may lose their life down the line. It used to be hard for me to stay home all day, but now in the times of Corona, when there is no other choice, I find myself staying at home without leaving the apartment for 4-5 days in a row each time, going out only to throw the garbage or to buy food and my mood is stable and healthy. I'm not the kind of person who gets lonely or bored. Give me a few good books, good food and good music - and you can send me for a year or two to an isolated cabin in the woods somewhere in the other side of the world, and I'll be happy. I have my thoughts, my dreams, my spiritual insights, my relationship to G-d, and this is all I need to survive. And I think that I'm doing better than most people I know. Whenever I talk with friends, I hear them in despair. It is so different than how I feel. I feel a bit uncomfortable to say that I'm doing great, actually.
Don't get me wrong - the death of precious people is painful. I will always remember the name of the first person who died of Corona in Israel, a holocaust survivor. For a day after he died I was mourning, I was so sad, I thought that we will manage to go through this without dead people. But I got over it, and now, unfortunately we have around 200 dead people. It is sad, but - people would have died without the Corona in car accidents anyway, so at least those deaths are spared from us.
So, I'm enjoying quiet, peaceful days in my little "cabin", enjoying the beauty all around, the sun, the trees, the chirping of the birds, some music, some books, some food, some thoughts and insights. And I'm busy at work, from home. So no complaints. But from all of this I realize that through all the suffering I had to endure in my life, at least something good emerged - I have built an inner realm, which is rich, strong, stable and enjoyable, and I enjoy being me, I enjoy being, just being.

I do get nostalgic quite often, finding myself awashed with feelings, emotions and longings - but I do not fight it. I let it flow and wash over me, clinging to precious, precious memories that will never fade and that will always sustain me. I experience it, I let my emotions hit me, and when this wave of nostalgia subsides, I move on to doing my things, to studying, working, being in touch with myself, and with other people. A quote attributed to a famous rabbi, the Ba'al Shem Tov, is: "Wherever your thoughts are - there you are". It is so true.

Corona

So the CoronaVirus is almost everywhere. People are panicking, shopping in the supermarkets for food and toilet paper that should last them for years. I went to see it with my own eyes: half of the shelves on the supermarkets were empty, and really, there was no toilet paper left. And yet, the atmosphere is light and funny. So many jokes running around everywhere. I had a beautiful, restful Shabbat, and planned to do some work when it was over - but... when I opened my phone at the end of Shabbat there was such a bombardment of messages - news, spiritual religious messages, and jokes. It draws you in. So one hour or so was spent on this. And then our Prime Minister had a talk to the nation, declaring that not only schools and universities, but also kindergartens, cafe's and restaurants are going to be closed. All gatherings should be up to 10 people (a Minyan) and no more. People are encouraged not to leave the house, unless they really have to. Until when? Nobody knows. Am I the only one who is not stocking up food? I didn't buy anything...
It is so obvious that this pandemic harbors a resounding message from G-d. Perhaps even more than one. Our job is to try to understand the message to the best of our ability. To do so, we have to look at what is happening to us because of this tiny, invisible virus that attacks the world:

1. Our luxurious way of life is over for now - no more 10 flights a year, no more careless spending of money in restaurants, no more escapism with different kinds of entertainment.

2. Thanks to what's written in 1 above, the air gets cleaner: people are not flying as much, cars are driving much less than before - the air gets cleaned, and the hole in the ozone may be affected favorably, and if not - then at least it would stop growing. Our destruction of our planet is diminishing for now. Not that it would help in the long run, though - as soon as the virus is gone, people will resume their decadent way of life.

3. Thanks to 1 again, people have less venues for escapism, and they have to stay at home as much as possible - which means a chance to meet themselves sincerely and honestly for the first time, for most people. Yes, they will continue escaping through Netflix and the social medias, but perhaps when they have enough of it, they will have some periods of rest, and inevitably - also of reflection.

4. Many people suffer huge economic repercussions. They are either fired from their jobs, or work much less. Think of all the pilots who used to work a lot and make so much money. Now, supermarket workers are in much greater demand than them. It means that the idols of gold and silver are collapsing, at least temporarily, and people have to find something else to put their trust on. Who and what can they trust? I am SURE that most people in this situation raise their eyes up to G-d, searching and seeking Him for the first time in a long long time. This, I believe, is of course the main purpose of this pandemic. The purpose is to shake the world and cause it to turn to G-d. Will all of us do that? And for those of us who do it now - will this new reliance upon G-d be long lasting even after the pandemic is over? I believe that many will return to their idols of gold and silver as soon as this crisis is over, and it makes me sad. When I pray about the situation, I pray that people would repent and return to G-d, because - I believe - this is what He is aiming for with this pandemic.

5. When people are prevented from being next to each other, there is less gossip and less evil tongue. People are preoccupied with this new world crisis, and have less energy, time and opportunities to denigrate other people behind their backs or disclose their secrets. Perhaps this, too, is one purpose of this pandemic? In the Torah, the punishment for the evil tongue is staying away in confinement for 7 or 14 days, away from the community. So yes, of course the gossip can continue on the social networks or on the phone, but people are so preoccupied with the new situation, that the chances are much smaller that they would engage in evil tongue.

6. The name of the virus, Corona... In Italian, it means "crown", perhaps suggesting that the KING is behind it.


When I first grasped the dimensions of this pandemic, and heard our prime minister's speech on this topic, I felt like that's it, the end of the world is here. I had zero fear, just a sense that OK, so the end is near - what meaning and purpose does what I'm doing NOW have? Am I spending my precious seconds the right way? Am I doing what G-d expects me to do? It was such a sobering feeling, and I try to remember it, so as not to lose its effectiveness. What really matters is one's connection to G-d and the fulfillment of His will from us. Are we engaged in that or are we escaping to entertainment and wasting our lives away? Are we sorry for past mistakes we made, or do we not care about them? Are we thankful to G-d and acknowledge that He is behind EVERYTHING that happens to us, or do we attribute our successes to ourselves and our security to our physical possessions? Some food for thought to all of us.
In such moments, everything receives new proportions: the value of material possessions goes down (some of the jokes running around are from people offering to sell their cars in return for some toilet paper, etc.). What people think or say about us has less importance, and we keep asking ourselves - what is going on here. What does G-d try to tell us?

Last week, as I was doing my morning walk and listening to a class of Bible studies on my smartphone, an interesting verse caught my attention. It was a class from over a year ago, about Isaiah 26. Verses 20-21 say the following: "Go, my people, enter your rooms and shut the doors behind you; hide yourselves for a little while until his wrath has passed by. See, the LORD is coming out of his dwelling to punish the people of the earth for their sins. The earth will disclose the blood shed on it; the earth will conceal its slain no longer."
At that moment it felt like a precise message from G-d.

Let's hope humanity learns what it has to learn.

Today is my Hebrew birthday, the 17th of the month of Adar. When I was born it was a year in which we had two months of Adar, and I was born on the second Adar. But most years we have only one Adar, and this year we only have one, so in a way it's not a 'real' birthday to me.
We're living what seems to be like epocalyptic times. Like the world is going to end soon. Here, as usual, lots of jokes are said about our new situation and sent from one person to the next and in WhatsApp groups. It's funny. I pray that no one should die from it, and I'm trying to stay away from elderly people. I have a lot to say about it, but Shabbat is going to be here within an hour, and I'm not yet ready. I'll try to write again tomorrow, but no promises.

Shabbat Shalom!

EASTward 2

And now a group of tourists from Korea, who were touring Israel, were found to have the Corona Virus. And people are panicking here, that perhaps they stayed at places where that group stayed, and what if an epidemic breaks here, etc. So now - tourists from both Korea and Japan are not allowed into Israel. Very ironic, just when El Al was about to start its direct flights to Tokyo. What does it all mean? I'm not sure anybody knows, but for sure it has a purpose, it's not just random noise in the chronicles of the world in this era. The whole world is panicking.
Not that I have any intentions to travel, but if I did have, it kind of takes the fun out of it - even though I'm truly not afraid. Even if I were to get the virus, I don't think I would have died of it.
The fear, I think, is related to spreading the virus wherever you go. You don't want to do that. So even if you do not die of it, if you pass it on to others, they might die, and you don't want to be responsible for their death.
I have thoughts about this, but they are not very clear yet. It seems like humanity has a joint enemy - a little virus, and they have to work together to overcome it. As our Bibi said today: one virus for two nations. If our neighbors in Gaza do not take the necessary precautions, we may get it from them. And vice versa, of course. Humans are humans.

And, soon we are going for elections for the THIRD time in a few months. Really, really unbelievable. All this money could go to buying expensive medications for children who need them. We throw this money on elections again and again. So crazy. I'm going to vote the same, and most other people would probably do the same, so I don't know how they're going to be able to build a government. Insane.

EASTwards

My mind has been in the east recently, for good and bad reasons. We'll start with the good.
In the little company that I work, we have an Israeli programmer. Before him, we had a programmer from India, who was very sweet, but not so skillful. And before him, we had a programmer from Ramallah, who was the first who built our system. I like all three of them personally, but with the guy from India, who we had to replace 2 years or so ago, I had a closer relationship than with the other two, and we stayed in touch even though we fired him (I was the one who pushed to fire him, I had to, I really had no choice. He wasn't fit for what we needed. I was sad to do it, but I had no choice. He knows it, and he holds no grudge - I tried to help him find another job ever since, sending him many links, ads, places online where he can find jobs, etc. He knew I was for him, not against him, but he was just not the right person for us). So anyway, we stayed in touch, and he often asked me about Israel, and since I often said Baruch HaShem and other expressions, he asked me about G-d as well.
About 10 months or so ago, we talked on Skype (it's always him asking to talk), and he cried that he and his wife do not have children. They had been married for 6 years at that point, but no children. I told him he should pray, I sent him the book of Psalms in his language with an online link, and promised that I would pray for him and his beautiful wife. And I did.
For the past two months he was trying to constantly contact me and ask me to talk on Skype, but I was very busy, and I do not have patience for aimless talking, so I tried to postpone it as much as I could. And then a few days ago I said OK, we can talk. He put on his camera on Skype, and the first thing I saw was that behind him there was a wall painted with lilach colors, and big pictures of babies were posted all over the walls. I asked him why he had pictures of babies everywhere. He said that he and his wife were expecting. She is 7 months pregnant and the baby is due very soon.
You can imagine my reaction. I had chills all over. I've been praying for them, even though I felt their chances were slim, after 6 years with no children. I prayed in Jerusalem, And 2-3 months later, she conceived. He looked so happy, and I was so happy to hear it. It made my day, my week! It was such a wonderful news! I was overwhelmed with joy. And of course, he started asking me more about Jerusalem, Judaism, Israel, G-d. And I answered. I really hope that this will have an effect on him and his wife. He talked with a friend of him after that, and that friend told him about Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, the Exodus from Egypt. I was really impressed. Baruch HaShem.
I know it is too much to expect that he will abandon the idols he grew up worshiping, but I hope it is one big push in this direction. He does not have to be Jewish, but abandoning the idols and believing in G-d is a good path for everyone to follow. No idols of any kind. Just G-d. There are already communities around the world of Noahide people - people who abandoned their religions to believe in the ONE G-d with no helpers and idols. They are called Bnei Noah (Children of Noah), and they support the nation of Israel and pray for us, and study Torah, but they do not have to be Jewish or fulfill all of our commandments. They have only 7 commandments to fulfill. I hope he will become a Noahide soon and influence all the idol worshipers around him in India to be that also.

My mind is in the east also because of the crazy thing that's been going on - the Corona Virus. They say that it happened because the Chinese were eating... bats... bats!!! Yuck! And they say that they ate the bats without killing them first, just cooked them live and ate them. This is against the 7 laws of the Children of Noah (Noahides). The world does not have to eat Kosher, but the world must not eat animals with their blood, or drink their blood, or eat a limb of a living animal. This is so cruel and is simply morally forbidden. The corona virus is probably a result of this, just like AIDS came to the world for another transgression, to tell people to change their ways, to correct their paths. I don't know if anyone listens.
We had a nice prayer at the KOTEL (the Western Wall) for the People of China to be quickly healed from the Corona, that this epidemic will stop. I hope it helps, but we can only pray - it is G-d's decision which prayer to fulfill.

And to end it with something good - I got some good news about the professional thing I was talking about in one of my previous posts here. Still not sure I want to share it here, perhaps I'm not yet ready to do it but will do it soon. I was so happy when I got the news. It was such a sweet present from above. I don't know what it would lead to, if anything at all, but even if it doesn't lead anywhere, I'm still happy and content with what it is at the moment. Perhaps I'll write about it here soon. We'll see.

Have a good rest-of-the-week!
R.

Touching space

I heard something nice about these weekly Torah Portions we read now from the book of Exodus. I heard it several times from several different sources. Pharaoh refuses all the requests by Moshe and Aharon to let their people go. But this refusal is gradual. At first, Pharaoh hardens his own heart. After a few times, it is G-d who hardens Pharaoh's heart. The moral lesson: when you do something for the first time, at first your freedom to choose is great. You can choose either way. But once you made a decision, the next time you have to make a decision you will have less degrees of freedom in your choice. Think of a person who starts drinking alcohol or coffee for the first time. They can easily resist the drink. But once they chose to drink, it would be easier for them to choose to drink again next time, and harder to choose to abstain. On the third time, it is going to be even harder, etc. It's the same with people who tend to lie. After they lied a few times, it becomes almost automatic for them to lie in the future as well. It is harder for them to stop for a moment and monitor themselves and correct their moral choices. There's a lot of depth in this idea. I think we can all find areas in life in which the more we choose to do something, the less degrees of freedom we have to choose differently the next time. The good news is that it works the other way as well: if you choose to do good, the next time it will be easier for you to choose to do good, and the third time it's going to be even easier, etc. So in a way, your choices shape who you are. You are constantly changing and being shaped, and your choices are your scalpel. At the end of your life, the soul that you will return to the Creator will be shaped by the choices that you made in your life. It will be clean or dirty according to the small and big choices that you made in your life. Choose well.

Something else:

Last week I had a nice little adventure. I was invited to be the translator of a real NASA astronaut who came to Israel and gave two lectures to Israeli youth in Tel Aviv. It wasn't a paid job. The organization that invited him to speak asked me if I could translate him, and I agreed.
The translation was done live, in the form of subtitles (this was not the big professional thing that I was talking about last time, of course).
I've translated films and TV series in the past, but never LIVE, never in real time. I always did it offline, and it took a long time. A 90-minute movie can take 8 hours to translate properly, including re-watching and proof-reading, etc. Here, they asked me to translate him live, in front of the whole audience, and he comes from the field of space engineering, what do I know about this, with all the different technical terms, etc. I was afraid, but since it was on a day that I was free, I decided to respond to the challenge and enjoy the experience.
Before the event began, I met the astronaut and his wife, and asked him to speak s-l-o-w-l-y. Of course, when he began speaking on the stage, he spoke faster than any normal person I know, and threw in the air dozens of professional, technical terms from space-engineering. I was sitting in a little console above the audience, so no body saw me, not even him, so I couldn't even signal to him to slow down.
I stayed calm, and told myself that I can only do what I can do, nothing more than this, and what I can do is enough. I think I managed to translate the gist of the things that he said to the children, and especially the moral lessons: he told them to never give up, that everyone has bad days, that he had bad days with lots of failures, but the important thing is to stand back up again and move forward. He encouraged them to follow their dreams and work hard for them. He talked about the importance of space research, etc.
Then there was a break, and after the break there was his second lecture. I was prepared for another crazy race. But - I was surprised. He spoke really s-l-o-w-l-y. He looked at the subtitles panel above the powerpoint screen, and it seemed like he was waiting for me to finish typing before he said anything new. That was so much better and easier. Wow. I managed to translate almost everything he said in that second lecture.
At the end, when everything was over, I saw him outside the hall. He saw me, and told me right away, "The second time was better, right? I tried to slow down a bit". Yes, it was much better. I guess someone from the staff told him he must slow down.
Looking at him, I thought to myself that here is a cultural hero, perhaps even a national hero in America, but how do I evaluate him? The first question I ask myself about people, and also about him is - is he an "Ish Ruach", a person of the spiritual realm? Does he think about G-d and the meaning of life, or does he only try to get everything possible from this world, materially? I have no idea. He was born in Atlanta, Georgia, a part of the "Bible Belt", so perhaps he got some religious education, but he didn't impress me as an especially spiritual person. And so, he lost some points in my evaluation. He is a person of this world, busy with technology and science. Perhaps he lives in the upper realms of the universe - in the international space station, but he does not live in the upper realms of reality, of the soul. My true appreciation and admiration is reserved for people who are people of spirit, of G-d.
I appreciate every person, because everyone was created in the image of G-d, but I mostly appreciate good people, angel-like people, those who live their lives for G-d. And they are rare, they are very and few. I can't admire people only because they've been up in space. To me they are like technicians, like engineers. I admire people who have had tremendous spiritual and moral achievements, like gentiles who saved Jews in WWII, or people who live their lives in faith, for G-d, contemplating the meaning of life and trying to do the right thing in the eyes of G-d. Scientists are impressive in their knowledge and intellect, but not necessarily with their wisdom and heart. They are people of this world. It is rare to find among them people of spirit, of wisdom, of deep thought. One person I can think of who is both a scientist and a person of faith and deep thought is Nobel Prize winner, Prof. Israel (Robert) Aumann, a mathematician, and a national religious Jew. This is such a noble combination: faith and science in the same person.
People admire so many "stars" and celebrities, and I can't understand it. Those stars are just human beings, and most often they are just simple people. I do not have TV, and once in a while there is a storm in the media about a certain celebrity that I've never heard of. I look at that celebrity and I see a simple person, with a normal personality, nothing too deep or wise. And I feel sorry for our secular culture, that it can sometimes be superficial and make stars of people who have nothing special to say to the world, to change people's lives or bring them close to the One who created them.
Anyway, these are just my thoughts.
Meaning is a huge word in my lexicon, and it's strange for me when people don't think about it much, that for them this is "heavy". Their lives seem so empty in my mind. They waste their lives having fun, not thinking what they can do here in this world, not thinking what they can give others, what they can give the world. They live for their own 'fun', and that's it, and I feel like they waste their lives.
We all came here to the world with a mission, and it is our job to try to find what our mission is and to work at it, to do everything we can to fulfill the mission. For some it can be to become an astronaut and inspire kids to follow their wishes, and for others it may be to perform acts of kindness to the best of their abilities, and for others it can be something else. But each of us came here with a mission, perhaps more than just one mission, and we must try our best to fulfill it.

Ok, enough for today.
Thank you for reading!
R.

Motza'ei Shabbos

This Shabbat I spent at the hospital. I went there for a few specific people, including that lady I wrote about in my earlier post. But as it goes, you go to visit one person, but you soon find others who need your help. It happened to me twice this Shabbat. Once, it was when I was about to visit that lady, but then I heard shouts from another room. I went to the other room and saw a 60-70 year old woman, very very thin and frail, very sweet looking. She was trying to get out of the bed, and she was screaming that they should let her out. I put my hand on her shoulder, smiled at her, looked her in the eyes, and asked her how she was doing. She looked at me, and poured her heart. I explained to her that I am not allowed to take her out, that the doctor does not permit that, but that I'll stay with her for a little while. Does she need water, tea, anything? I gave her my hand, she was clinging to it. And I started singing to her a song we sing on Shabbat night about the angels, Shalom Aleichem. She calmed down gradually, she lay down with her whole body on the mattress, and stopped trying to climb out. I felt it was soothing for her. Then I switched to other songs, some Jerusalem songs, some Bach melody, and the melody of the lonely shepherd. We do not play instruments on Shabbat, so my voice cords were my instrument, and it was not so bad. When I sang the Bach and lonely shepherd melodies, she said: "what a beautiful song!", and throughout this singing session she took my hand, brought it to her face and kissed it. Even though it is a bit uncomfortable for me to have my hand kissed by a stranger, and a patient at that, I let her. We were looking at each other, and I felt she was calming down. She no longer wanted to climb out and she was no longer shouting. Soon, as she was laying on her back, she closed her eyes, and fell asleep. I stayed there, singing those songs to her, until I thought she was fast asleep, and I left. The next day when I went there, she was totally calm and peaceful, and I felt so grateful for it. She no longer needed me.
Interestingly, that next day (which was actually today), someone else in her room was screaming. I went there to see who it was and if I can do something to help. It was an 81 year old lady. She had only two teeth in her mouth, and she seemed like she was not completely "there", mentally. She was shouting and screaming. I went there, smiled at her, put my hand on her shoulder in a reassuring gesture, held her hand, looked her deeply in the eyes, smiled a shining, optimistic smile to make her feel like everything is OK. She couldn't talk, so I just held her hands, squeezed them affectionately. She then squeezed my hands back. We stood there, squeezing each other's hands, looking at each other. I then sang for her as well. She surprised me so much when she managed to say Todah Rabbah. I was shocked that she could say that. She repeated it a few times. Then I sang to her a song about Yerushalaim, Jerusalem. And she said "shel Zahab" (yes, with a b instead of a v). It was so nice, so sweet. I realized that she was completely with me, even thought she couldn't communicate verbally so much, but she was communicating emotionally. She took my hand, brought it close to her face, and kissed it, many times. Again, I didn't object, even though it's not something I feel comfortable with, as I wrote above. It was funny and interesting that it was almost like a replay of what had happened a day earlier with her neighbor to the same room (their beds are not adjacent - there was a third woman between them, so it's not like she was immitating the first woman. It really came from her heart). I stayed there for two hours, squeezing her hands, caressing her head, letting her drink her liquid meal, singing to her, looking at her with a smile. It was hypnotizing, and I think both of us were hypnotized. It was hard to leave her. I saw a tear rolling on her cheek. Only one tear. Was it really a tear, or a result of her drinking her liquid meal? I don't know. But there was so much warmth and gratitude in her gaze as she was looking in my eyes and saying Todah Rabbah. After two or so hours, I felt it was time to go. She didn't let me. She held my hand very strongly. So I stayed. I tried to leave a few times again, until she finally released her grip of my hand. I waved goodbye, and she waved back. I blew a kiss in the air, and she did the same, I repeated it a few times, and she did too. It was so gratifying to see her like this. I hope that she would stay calm like this for a long long time. Both of these woman are childless and have no family, so I learned later. Both of them are originally from Morocco (which may explain the hand kissing? I wonder). Both of them have a very sweet, delicate soul, I could see it. I feel so privileged to be able to be there on the right time. It made my going to the hospital this shabbat worth while. I feel like I went there especially for them, even though I didn't know them before.
I wish the hospitals would be filled with volunteers. People there, especially old ones, need it so badly. I wish people knew it. I wish it would be something that everyone does from time to time. You get so much satisfaction from doing this. It's like your life is becoming full of meaning, you feel like you're doing something that is needed, and it is so great. I wish these stories would inspire people to go and do the same in their countries. I want to remember these stories and to never forget them. Knowing myself, I'll probably rush forward and leave these memories behind. I only hope it would inspire people to do the same - do as much as you can to make this world a better place!

Some rainy days

I'm sorry that I don't write more often, especially now that we read the beautiful Parshahs (Torah Portions) of Genesis and Exodus. These Portions give me so much food for thought, and I feel I could write about them every day, and find something new and interesting to write about them without tiring. They are so rich and deep and colorful. But I do not write. Knowing myself, I'll probably write more often during the technical Portions of Leviticus... with all the rules of sacrifices, to which I feel less affinity at this moment in time. But maybe I won't. We'll see.
I must say to my defense that I do not waste my time idly, most of the time, though. So when I do not write, I do other meaningful things, and I'm very happy with it, and feel a sense of inner peace and satisfaction. I'm busy, but with good things that make me float in the air and make my heart dance and sing and give me a sense of meaning, purpose and direction in life. Really, when you live a Torah-guided life, your life becomes so rich, so saturated with goodness, that no matter what happens with you personally, you feel life has meaning and purpose, and you find yourself engaged with so many good, meaningful things. Baruch HaShem.
Aside of that, something interesting happened to me in the professional realm. It's too early to talk about it, but it seems like it is something good. I prayed about it on Rosh HaShanah, not knowing how it was going to happen, and then it suddenly happened, like a ripe fruit that dropped into my hands from heaven. As I said, I can't say what it is at the moment, because it is not final yet, but I hope it will be soon. I'll just add that it is something that I always thought I should be doing, but didn't know how to get there, where to begin, etc. But then it kind of dropped into my lap recently. Kind of amazing. We'll see where it goes, and how. But even without knowing the answer to these questions, I feel like a whole new vista has just opened up in front of my eyes, I see a path, and I know what I have to do to walk it. And it makes me feel like it leads me to the right direction, to my right path professionally. It is an interesting feeling. I remember as a young traveler in Australia and New Zealand, I was often thinking about it hard, not knowing what to do, how to get there, and here, something happened to push me in the right direction and more importantly - to show me the way. Sounds dramatic, I know, and for me it really is. And yet, my eyes are lifted up to G-d, because even if this seems like something good to me - it may be so but it may be not. I can't know, and I keep praying that it is all for the best, and that no bad things will accompany it. It is His choice. If this thing will be final, I'll consider whether to write about it here or not. But at the moment, silence is the best policy for me.

Today was the 75th anniversary to the release of the Auschwitz death camp. Leaders from some 70 nations came to Jerusalem, to the Yad VaShem museum. Among them the German president, Frank Walter Steinmeier. To hear his speech, how he takes the blame and responsibility for the atrocities that his country-men committed. It was so moving. The whole scene reminded us here of the verses from Isaiah 60: 14-15, "And the sons of them that afflicted thee shall come bending unto thee, and all they that despised thee shall bow down at the soles of thy feet; and they shall call thee the city of the LORD, the Zion of the Holy One of Israel. Whereas thou hast been forsaken and hated, so that no man passed through thee, I will make thee an eternal excellency, a joy of many generations."  The speeches were very moving and emotional. I liked Mike Pence's speech. But most of all, I liked Rabbi Lau's speech - a vision of peace, friendship, fraternity. Long ago I read his autobiography, "Out of the Depths" (in Hebrew: אל תשלח ידך אל הנער, or: "Do not raise your hand against the boy" -  a title taken from a verse in the binding of Isaac). Recommended! If I find links to the speeches, I'll post them here.
In this respect, I'd like to tell of something interesting that happened to me about a week ago. I visited someone at the hospital. She's a woman in her 60's, and she is not someone I knew from before. I met her at the hospital for the first time. Despite her dire situation, you can see that she is a beautiful woman, and you can see by the light of her face that she is an intellectual, a person of books and thought. She was hospitalized for the flu, but this was the least of her problems. When I saw her, she was lying in bed, half naked. I had to close my eyes so as not to see, and cover her with eyes closed, to keep her dignity. But she kept trying to uncover herself. She was holding her head with her hands and periodically screaming. Then she became silent, then she did the same thing again, and again, and again. Despite her obvious psychiatric problems, you could still see who she used to be - a dignified, beautiful, super bright person, a serious person who had a lot to say and give to the world. It was astonishing to see someone like her in such a situation, where she literally lost her mind.
She was very agitated, and screaming from anguish, without words. I didn't know what to do. I held her hands in mine, and sang to her with a very soft voice, to soothe her. I sang to her Jerusalem of Gold and other Jerusalem songs. It calmed her down a bit. Then I sang a different song, and she screamed. She said that this other song makes her feel bad. These were the first words I heard from her. So I realized she could speak. I asked her which song she'd like to hear. She told me "Lu Yehi" (לו יהי; may all our wishes come true). I sang it to her, and then other songs of this genre. It calmed her down a bit. Then she screamed again, with less intensity. It suddenly dawned on me: what I was seeing was a woman reliving the horrors of the holocaust. Just as it was clear to me that she was an intellectual even before she uttered one word, and despite her dishevelled state, so it was clear to me that her situation has to do with the holocaust. But she's too young, she wasn't even born yet during WWII. So it must be the second-generation syndrome. I asked her gently where were her parents born. Instead of answering: "Poland", "Russia", "Germany", etc., like everyone else does, she gave me an answer that said it all. She said: "They came from evil Europe". I've never heard anyone else ever answer this question like this, and it confirmed my suspicion that what she experiences are some after-shock waves of the holocaust, that many second-generation people experience. I asked her what does she experience when she screams like this. She said that she feels an inexplicable, horrifying sense of fear and dread. To her it was inexplicable. To me it was so obvious. Her husband later told me that her mother survived Auschwitz. I asked her if she was a professor of Hebrew literature or something. I had such an intuition about her. She shouted at me: "מה פתאום!" (meaning: what?? no way!!). But then it turned out that she was a teacher of Hebrew literature and bible studies in high schools. I wasn't that far off in my guess. I got to see who she was despite her current situation. I'm so sad for her. I hope to visit her soon, and once she stabilizes, I wonder if I may be able to help her with some technology. We'll see. But anyway, the evil that the Nazis and their collaborators performed did not end with their victims. It continues on to the next generation, and the next, and the next.
Every bad thing we do has repercussions till the end of time. But so does every good thing that we do. And if we repent the bad we did, G-d will supply the opportunities for us to fix it, to correct it. Say, if a person murdered someone, and really repented it from the bottom of his heart, then perhaps G-d would allow that person to save the life of another person, to do good instead of the bad he did. I think if you truly repent, you get a second chance. One more favorable possibility is that from the bad that you did, something good will come about, like in the story of Joseph and his brothers - they did something wrong, but thanks to that, something really good happened and Joseph was able to save lives. And yes, the brothers did repent.
Anyway, that woman's husband was not in the hospital room when I first got in. When he came in, it was when I was singing to her while she and I were holding hand. He was so moved. I hope it gives him hope and strength. He seems like a good person and is really devoted to her.
I feel like I should return to writing about the Torah. There's just so much in there, and I feel that there are so many people who write, great rabbis, and who am I, and what do I have to say that is meaningful to others, not just to myself. It's like Torah is so great, and I sometimes feel undeserved of its greatness to write about it. But I should. We each have our share in the Torah.
I started loving my apartment, liking it more and more. The turning point was that Shabbat in which a friend of mine from abroad came here. It was so nice to be able to host again, and it made me feel better about this place. Made it feel more like mine, more like home. And now I think I really like this place.
That friend who stayed here for Shabbat is not Jewish, but she is fascinated with Judaism. We went together to the synagogue, and experienced Shabbat together. It was really nice. The rest of the day we rested, ate, sat and talked. As a child she had atopic dermatitis, a skin condition that strikes young children. Even when they grow up, you can still see on their skin that something is different. It suddenly dawned on me that she was probably an atopic dermatitis kid. I felt comfortable enough asking her, and she confirmed. She told me of all the troubles, the allergies, the skin irritations she experienced. It was very difficult. So many things for healthy people to be grateful for - that we feel comfortable in our own skins... I visited a special hotel for Jewish kids with atopic in Switzerland (Davos) about three years ago, and witnessed the suffering of those kids, how they scratch their faces, their eyelids are bleeding from scratching, even their hair is affected. It was unbearable to see. And the sorrow of the parents, the embarrassment when people stare at their child, and the frustration and anger and humiliation when people give them unsolicited advice without knowing what the child's condition is.
So many challenges in this life. Each person gets their share. And we all must think what we can do to benefit the world with everything we have, even with our troubles. When I know how to deal with trouble, I can be strong and offer support to others who are going through troubles. And it doesn't have to be exactly my kind of trouble. Any trouble.
It is raining outside, and in my apartment it is just great - you can hear the rain also on the roof and on the windows, and it's such a pure music. I love it. And the winds... wow. We've had such a dry, warm winter until December, and then all of a sudden so much rain, more rain than we've had in 51 years. Unbelievable. This, too, came after praying. Some people lost their lives in the ensuing floods, which is so so tragic. May it be only for the good from now on, not for any bad. We need the rain, the water, and we wish it would be all blessing, with nothing other than blessing in it.

Thank you for being here and reading. I wish you, wherever you are, a peaceful, sweet, restful shabbat.
Shabbat Shalom,
R.

Poland

The tour with the people from Poland was a huge success. Much better than I could have hoped for or imagined. First, 10 people came, all musicians who came to perform in Israel. I expected a small group of people, and then was surprised to see all this big group coming. In addition to them, there were my two Israeli friends who came, so I had to speak to 12 people. I think it's the biggest group (of adults) I've ever given a Jerusalem tour to. In the past I gave some tours to young Jewish boys and girls who were on a Zionist tour of Israel, but it was different, because it was structured and I wasn't free to do everything I wanted. This time it was adults, and non-Jews, and a tour of my own design, not something that was dictated to me by some organization.
I was afraid that my voice will not hold up to the mission, but we had a warm, gorgeous day, and I found myself speaking without any problem, and feeling warm. It was good, after the week of cold that I had experienced.
I started by asking for how many of them it was the first visit to Israel. Four people raised their hands, and the rest said that the previous times they visited, they only visited the Old City. We were going to tour the newer parts of the city, so it was great. I then told them: Welcome to Jerusalem, the place on which the hearts, eyes and minds of the whole world are focused, the city that lives in the heart of every human being, the city in which Kind Saul, King David and King Solomon lived and walked. The area we will walk on is the same area in which they walked before us, so we will walk in their footsteps. In addition, the ancient stones that you see everywhere have been in Jerusalem forever, and have witnessed a lot of the glorious history of this city and of this nation". I looked at my two secular Israeli friends, to see how they react, and was surprised that they were totally in this. They were not cynical and didn't try to shift the focus to other things. When we started walking, the leader of the Polish group, Aleksandra, came to me and told me that they are so happy that I'm their guide, and another member of the group told me that my words come straight from my heart, and therefore it goes straight to their hearts. It was a great start. We then discussed who are the Jewish People, what was our beginning, with Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Judah, etc. Luckily, one of their group was named Jakob, so he was our "Jacob" whenever we discussed our roots. I reminded them of the fight Jacob had with the angel and the ensuing change of his name to "Israel". We visited some shop, and I showed them the Mezuzah on the doorpost, and then discussed also the Tefillin. We talked about the Menorah (the one with 7 candles and the one with 9 candles of Hanukkah). We saw the difference between Arab and Jewish neighborhoods - and we discussed the Torah commandment to plant trees in Israel, which we follow, and therefore our neighborhoods have many trees and are very green. We talked about Oskar Schindler who is buried on Mt. Zion, not far from King David's grave. We talked about the face of Jerusalem - all the buildings are white and many are covered with the "Jerusalem stone", which gives the city its unique appearance. We talked about the amazing, incredible history of the Jewish People, the miraculous return after 2000 years, the miraculous survival for 2000 years in diaspora, without a common land or a common language. We talked about the fact that nothing like this has ever happened in the history of the nations and can never happen, that it is unique to the People of Israel and that you can see G-d's hand in this. We talked about our National Anthem, HaTikvah, which I played for them on a recorder. They then gave us a show - they sang one of their songs for us when we were in Yemin Moshe, to the delight of passers-by. We talked about Moses Montefiori and his contribution to the rebuilding of Israel. We also talked about the German Templars who wanted to revive the land and live in it, but had to leave when the British took power. We talked about the miracle of the land, that was in desolation for 2000 of years, and started blooming and giving its fruit to the People of Israel when they began to return. It was very moving and emotional and I felt very very high after that. It was hard to "land" back down. I felt that I wish I had more chances to do that. The two Israeli friends were cooperative. Some times one of them felt compelled to give their own take on things, but they didn't contradict what I said. Both of them later told me very warm words on how the tour was conducted. Such days make my life worth living. Days like today, however, are less so. I'm at home, working alone, feeling intense longing for home. Looking to the future and not knowing what it harbors in its wings. Looking back and wishing I had done things differently, wishing I could change the past, wishing I had known back then what I know now, wishing I had used my opportunities properly. I wish Hashem had built the world in such a way that each of us could go back and change the past (as long as we do not hurt others in the process). It would have been so wonderful. The world could be close to Eutopia then. Perhaps we could get 3 chances of going back, and we could do it when we're old enough to know which episode we want to change. I know which episode in my life I would go back to and change. After making such a change, we could get two more trips back, to other times in our lives, if we want, so that there are no regrets and no looking back, only looking forward.
Once in my life I had this wish come true. I was in a horrible, horrible situation, and I prayed with all my heart that this was not really my reality, that this was just a dream. Everything was so real, I couldn't imagine it was a dream, but after praying so hard, I woke up and found out it was, in fact, just a dream. I felt so relieved, and I truly felt as if I was given a chance to relive my life and choose differently. Now I want to have the same again - to wake up and find this was just a dream, and that I can still choose differently and build a different life for myself, the way I've always wanted it to be. Hashem, may this be just a dream, then? May I have what I want in my 'real' life? If I pray hard enough, will I wake up again? And then I think about all the meaningful things I do, all the things I've done - and I know this life was not in vain, I did do some things that makes this life worth living.
Tomorrow a non-Jewish friend of mine from abroad will come to spend some of the Shabbat with me. She's already had a full Shabbat with me once, in my old apartment, and it was beautiful, she so enjoyed it, so she asked to come again. She will be my first guest in this new apartment. In the old apartment I hosted quite a lot and enjoyed it very much. Here I haven't yet, because I don't feel like home here so much. We'll see how it goes. Perhaps starting to host here will change my feeling about the place. I have no complaints about it, it just doesn't feel like home and the neighborhood doesn't feel like mine - it's American and Haredi. I miss Rechavia, where you can find people like me as well.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy the winter and may the final redemption come soon, so each of us will be in our proper place, with the people we belong with and not among strangers.
Shabbat shalom,
Revital

December

Sunday night, after a busy and fruitful day, I suddenly felt a shivering of cold, which was surprising. I went to bed within a few minutes, trembling from cold, covered myself with four blankets, but the shivering continued and grew worse. I turned on the heating next to my head, but I was still shivering. I spent the next few days in bed, under the covers, with the heating a bottle full of hot water in bed under the covers, dragging myself out just for the bare necessities such as going to the toilet or the kitchen to get myself something to eat. It's been tough. At first I thought to myself that at least I can rest in bed and have my mind free to go wherever I want, but it was not like that. My condition got worse and worse. When you feel so bad, your mind is nothing but free. It is tied down to your pain and discomfort and it cannot soar to higher places. It felt like my mind was working full-gas on neutral - a lot of mental energy expended on absolutely nothing. I don't even know what I was thinking about - nothing! Your mind is empty and just full of your suffering. You cannot even pray normally. It is not good to be sick and we should be very grateful for every day we get to spend in good health in this world. I wonder why this thing happened to me in this timing (every year it happens once or twice, but this time it was not fun at all) and I think - perhaps I wasn't grateful for being well. I've been around bed-ridden people quite a lot recently and I didn't stop even once to appreciate the fact that unlike their situation now, at least I'm free to walk, to come and go, to do what I want, to have the dignity to go to the bathroom by myself without waiting for a hospital nurse to take me, change me or clean me. When I'm writing this and thinking about these people at the hospital, I feel like crying. The loss of dignity is probably one of the hardest blows they experience. They need to go to the bathroom, but the staff is busy with dozens of other patients who need them, and when their turn finally comes, they sometimes can't do what they need to do in the bathroom, perhaps due to shame, stress, embarrassment, and the staff gets frustrated because they worked hard on this - they took them down from the bed, wheeled them over to the bathroom, helped them get ready - and all of this in vain, which means they'll have to do it again for them very soon and they are so so busy anyway. And the patients feel like little children who are being scolded and are dependent on other people's "permission" to do something so basic as to go to the toilet. Of course, they can always do it in their diaper, but for adults this is even more humiliating. I think that only now that I've been forced to be in bed for a few days, that I actually given it a thought and feel so grateful and appreciative that Baruch HaShem I'm not in this situation now, and I pray that I will never ever be. And that everyone should be healthy ASAP. I so appreciate the fact that a healthy body gives you so many advantages and saves you so many troubles. We should never ever take it for granted.
One more insight that is even more important - is that being in a pain-free body allows our mind to be free and this is something to be forever grateful for. I'm still in bed, still under the covers, but now at least I think I got to the point where I can 'enjoy' it. My brain is not on fire anymore, I don't feel cold anymore, I feel stronger and I feel I have more rest and peacefulness, I no longer suffer much. It's even pleasant, to lie in this warm bed (which finally feels warm after feeling cold for so many days), to listen on YouTube to the songs that I like, and feel like in a certain sense I have a weekend-like rest on a regular week-day. And the biggest plus - is the fact that I can write here, which I haven't done in a long long time.

The bed around me looks like an office, with two computers (I worked during that time, including some skype meetings...), cables, my phone, the hot bottle of water, and I'm ashamed to say - even plates of food... I just couldn't stay out of bed for more than a few seconds each time to be able to eat on a table like a normal person. I had to eat here. It's not pretty, but it doesn't bother me so much now. It will look clean and neat tomorrow, when this is all over and just before Shabbat. My neighbors next door wanted to pumper me with chicken broth, but I had everything I needed here, I only needed some quiet and time to heal.

My YouTube is playing songs by John Lennon now, nostalgic songs, and pictures of John and Yoko run in the background. When I grew up, and up until recently, I've always had this image that Yoko was not a good person. I don't know why. It's just a passive image that was formed in my mind and I'm sure that not only in mine, but I don't know the reason for it. It's an image of a tough, ruthless woman who knows what she wants and is willing to step over everyone on her path in order to get it. Is there even one ounce of truth in this? I don't know. I recently watched a movie about John and Yoko. I didn't get answers to this question - but what I did see is that she was her own character, she was her own individual self, she was special in her own way and truthful to her unique self, independent in her mind and thoughts, and in her ways, and this deserves my appreciation. She wasn't like everybody else. She was truly different. Crazily so, sometimes, but it does not detract from the charm of her true individuality. I think each and everyone of us should strive to be our own unique selves rather than fit ourselves forcefully into predetermined structures that society has prepared for us. It is so hard to be around people who are fake, who are willing to sell their soul just to fit in with everyone else, who do not have the courage to be who they are - and the world is FULL with such people, especially in recent generations, I don't know why. I sometimes find myself feeling pressure to do the same, to fit in forcefully on the expense of my own soul, but most of the time I manage to put that pressure away from me. Not easy, but must be done. 

Also, the love and emotional bond between her and John seems so real and pure to me, and even though both of them seem to be dreamers and completely misled in their political outlook at the world, there is something so touching about them, about their naive idealism (at least in theory, not sure how it came into expression in practice), about their free life style, and about their pure, deep love for each other. I will forever love them for this love. I think that one of the criteria to judge true love is by its durability, and it seems that theirs is the kind of love that lasts forever. Like in the world of computers, for people who love this way, their beloved is "1" whereas the rest of the world, no matter who they are, is "0", and not just for a few years - forever. It's been almost 40 years since he was murdered by a lunatic, and even though she was married before him, she never married after him and I'm sure it is not because she didn't have suitors, for certainly she had many men who were interested in her. It's touching, and it gives her a few more points in my eyes, that her heart stays faithful to someone she will never meet again in this world. She is an old lady now (86, who can believe it?), and they have one son who is around my age, a musician himself, with no children as far as I know, but each of them have children from previous marriages. Still, it's a shame that such a colossal love story leaves no enduring continuity in this world. They will meet again in the after-life, in a few years from now. 

There is a famous Israeli song that everyone knows, called Agadah Yapanit ("Japanese Fairytale"), that talks about exactly such a story: two loving swans float on a lake, and then a hunter shoots an arrow at one of them and kills it. I think it describes their story well. Gladly, unlike the surviving swan in the song, she didn't kill herself.

Tomorrow, a group of Israel-loving Christians from Poland, musicians, are coming to Jerusalem and I'm supposed to give them a tour of the city. I hope I'll be well by then. Two Israeli friends of mine will be there too, so in case I won't be able to make it, they can do the guiding themselves, but they are non-religious, with naive lefty ideas that are far disconnected from reality, and as often happens with such people, they like to blame everything on Israel. I don't want to let the group be guided by them and they themselves told me that they won't feel comfortable guiding the group on their own. So it seems that I'm needed there. One of them joined me on such a tour in the past and it was a delight. The dynamics between us worked so well, so I'm looking forward for another fun opportunity to talk about the glory of G-d, the majesty of Jerusalem and the great miracles that HaShem has done with us. 

Once in a while HaShem sends such opportunities my way. I sometimes think it's not enough and I wish I were doing it more, but on the other hand, at times when it's too close-together, I feel that I've had enough and need a break, so He knows the exact dosage that is right for me to keep doing this with excitement and passion. I wish I could do it abroad as well, talk about the incredible history of Israel and how one can see G-d's hand in our ancient as well as modern history, but I'm just one person and I can't be everywhere at the same time, and going abroad is such a hassle - booking flights, accommodations, trying to eat Kosher, explaining to everyone why you cannot eat this or that. It's tiring. Even though the last time I did it abroad, in Norway, one of the ladies who attended one of my talks told me that when she saw me "eating this way" (that is, hardly eating anything, only a few kosher things), she understood that the commandments are what has kept us as one nation throughout our history in exile, and that she understands now that we have our own ancient covenant with G-d with no need for any new one. She said she understood at that point that the Jews do not need Jesus (she herself believe in him), because HaShem has a different, unique plan for us. She then came to Israel with her two sons for a visit. It was refreshing to my ears to hear it from someone like her. (I heard something similar from two other people many years ago after they came to a holiday dinner at my old apartment. They said almost the exact same thing and they too are Christians.) So perhaps it was worth my trip. And then I heard two years later that one of the people that I admire and respect most from the people I know in Norway, a teacher, has given a lecture about... Israel and the fulfillment of the prophecies - exactly what I had talked about at an event that he and his wife hosted for me at their home. I was so moved to hear this and again, it made me feel that this journey was not in vain and that everything you do has a ripple effect that you are not always aware of. So - it seems that at least to go tomorrow to meet the people from Poland I must, even if I'm not a 100% well. It's my chance to sanctify G-d's name among the nations this week. 

Shabbat Shalom and be grateful for your health!

R.